Blue blood: Dodger legend Tommy Lasorda suffered a minor heart attack, owing to an almost totally clogged artery … clogged with spaghetti.
Soler powered: Cuban slugger Jorge Soler is going to sign with the Cubs. Chicago offered a nine-year, $30 million contract for the 20-35 year old.
Say it, don’t spray it: Right after closing out a victory for the Indians, pitcher Chris Perez puked all over the infield. “We know exactly how you feel,” said Cleveland.
Brave old world: Atlanta’s Chipper Jones was activated from the Disabled List. But soon he’ll be deactivated from the Abled List.
Old bird: The Baltimore Orioles added the ancient Jamie Moyer to their organization. He’s going to start with their AAA team. AAA? More like AAA-RP!
End of days: The Pirates are tied for first while the Phillies and Red Sox are in last place. In related news, flights along the Eastern Seaboard had to be diverted as pigs were reported flying in a northeasterly direction.
Missed connection: While reading about Lenny Dykstra’s latest legal trouble, I found out earlier this year he pleaded no contest to charges he exposed himself to women he met on Craigslist. Why am I just now finding out about this? I feel like the Internet has failed me and I have failed you.
Hitless in Seattle: Dodgers visited Seattle last week and got no-hit by a crew of six pitchers. One more and they would have qualified for the group rate at Ivar’s. (Zach submitted this joke. I didn’t quite get it, but I looked it up and Ivar’s is an eating establishment in the Seattle area, and Eliza assured me that the joke was structurally sound even if it only made sense to folks in the Northwest. So, there you go, people of Seattle. I hope it eases the suffering of having the Sonics playing for the championship in another city.)
Kings for a day: The Los Angeles Kings beat the New Jersey Devils to win the Stanley Cup. “I love the Kings and hockey so much!” exclaimed L.A. fans tonight. “Who? What?” exclaimed L.A. fans tomorrow.
Out route: Former NFL defensive back Wade Davis has come out as gay. But we should have known all along, given how fabulous his coverage was.
No go in Belmont: Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner I’ll Have Another was scratched with tendonitis the day before the race. But his trainer, who has been suspended or sanctioned over a dozen times for doping horses, is totally not to blame.
It’s raining men: This week the NBA Finals tip off featuring the Heat and the Thunder – not to be confused with “The Thunder and the Heat,” the all male revue starting next week at the Riviera.
No finals for old men: The teams with the crafty veterans, the Spurs and Celtics, went home last week, despite each having leads in their series. It sucks when “experience” gives way to “old” – like Harrison Ford, Steven Tyler or Lindsay Lohan.
Crash dummy: The good news for Lindsay Lohan after her car crash is now she finally has a good excuse for what’s been happening to her face.
All right, all right, all right: Matthew McConaughey got married this weekend and all the groomsmen wore matching no shirts.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz