The hottest topics for the week of April 15, 2012 …
Clubhouse drama: Boston Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis said he was “surprised” and “confused” by negative comments from manager Bobby Valentine who then apologized and added, “I’m just getting started.”
Trying times: Roger Clemens is back in court for his perjury retrial. This is an important case that proves to kids everywhere that cheaters will be caught and will have to spend a tiny percentage of their fortune to defend themselves.
St. Louis blues: The St. Louis Cardinals included the “rally squirrel” in their championship ring design – a fact that over time will have the same nostalgic regret as your haircut from prom.
Sudden impact: After a collision with the Rays’ shortstop, Boston’s Jacoby Ellsbury suffered a shoulder injury. “Sweet Lord, just let his gorgeous face be okay!” said every woman in Red Sox Nation … and me.
Remembering a hero: Major League Baseball celebrated Jackie Robinson Day on Sunday and every player wore Jackie’s number 42 – making all “those players” even harder to recognize.
Spending spree: The Cincinnati Reds signed Brandon Phillips to a six-year extension. Add this one to the 10-year Joey Votto deal and it’s clear that GM Walt Jockety has a plan for the future: early retirement.
Need for speed: Lead-footed Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski hit a triple against the Detroit Tigers. Remarkably, this was accomplished without all three outfielders suffering simultaneous strokes.
A tribe called quit: The Cleveland Indians signed Johnny Damon – making them the first to officially give up on the season.
Hairy’s law: San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson will have surgery after an MRI revealed that his beard is real.
Artful Dodgers: There’s really no good explanation for the Los Angeles Dodgers being off to such an amazing start. I guess it must be Magic … See how I did that there? Shut up! It’s not like you have to pay for these.
Crash and burned: Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino got fired after getting in a motorcycle accident with a girl he was having an affair with. Arkansas probably would have overlooked the matter, but it turned out she wasn’t a cousin.
Be like Ogwumike: In the WNBA Draft, Stanford’s Nnemkadi Ogwumike was selected first by the Los Angeles Sparks. I guess it’s her time of the month!
Coachella Music Festival: Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre performed on stage with a hologram of deceased rapper Tupac Shakur and they sang the classic “Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz