The hottest topics for the week of June 24, 2012 …
Sox appeal: Third baseman Kevin Youkilis was traded to the White Sox or as Youkilis referred to his new team the Chicago “Holy Crap I Can’t Believe I Got out of that Train Wreck” Sox.
More Youkilis: The trade happened after a game that everyone at Fenway seemed to know was his last, with fans and players giving him a rousing send-off – which will make the inevitable character assassination by the Boston media all the more awkward.
Texas star: Josh Hamilton has verified that his life story is going to be made into a movie. Great! Another Hangover sequel.
Desperado: The Rockies’ Jim Tracy, in a desperate move, switched his team to a four-man starting rotation in order to rest his bullpen … who will now be required to pitch more often. Next up for Jim is a world famine solution involving fire-bombing crops.
Story time: A Rangers announcer took a few days off after he gave an incoherent description of the game, saying a runner was on “fifth” base after a “botched robbery.” In his defense, baseball can get pretty boring.
Busted! Rays’ pitcher Joel Peralta was caught with a “foreign substance” on his glove. Antonio Banderas was unavailable for comment.
99 problems, but a pitch ain’t one: Mets quasi-ace R.A. Dickey has called his knuckle ball a “violent and unpredictable woman” – which I say sounds pretty redundant.
Black and blue: Umpire Jerry Layne got hit in the face by a broken bat. The bat was immediately ejected from the game and can expect a fine.
Phinally physically phit: After a long rehab program, Chase Utley is set to return from injury for the last-place Phillies. He’s like the guy who was working late, missed his ride, but still managed to get on board the Titanic before it left.
Man with the munchies: Michael Phelps started off his Olympic trials by qualifying for the 400m individual medley – which guarantees us at least another year of awkward Subway commercials.
Actual jeopardy: Alex Trebek was hospitalized after a mild heart attack. There was some confusion before they called 911 because when he was asked what was wrong, he would not give the answer in the form of a question.
A rose by any other name: In order to distance itself from the horrible stigma of its name, Sandusky, Ohio, has chosen to change its name to Naziville, Ohio.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz