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The hottest topics for the week of May 20, 2012 …
St. Louis blues: The Cardinals’ Lance Berkman tore his ACL, and he’s out for the season. The team isn’t certain yet how he will be replaced but the Angels have a guy at first base they’d be more than happy to trade.
Money ball: The Mets want to sign David Wright to a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal, but with their money problems they might want to consider a crowd-funding campaign on Kickstarter. Perks for supporters could include game tickets, food vouchers and becoming a Yankee fan.
C-Town C-word: Indians closer Chris Perez says that free agents don’t sign with Cleveland because the fans don’t support the team. Fans are outraged and plan on responding by not going to games for the last decade.
Desperate times: Free-agent pitcher Roy Oswalt recently auditioned for the Red Sox and Phillies. Both teams have shown interest because of his impressive career ERA+ of 133, a WAR of 48.8 and, most importantly, the fact that he has a pulse.
Pound foolish: After being cut from his team in Japan, Brad Penny was signed by the San Francisco Giants. Why? Because, like a Brad Penny, you just can’t get rid of him.
New playmate: The Mets have recalled a pitcher named Hefner to help with their bullpen. The team claims they need him “just for the articles.”
Black and blue: The only thing actually shocking about the news that another fan was assaulted in the Dodgers Stadium parking lot is that somehow 13 months passed without someone being assaulted in the Dodgers Stadium parking lot.
Stop the presses! Wait, there’s a guy named Furbush on the Mariners? How have we not made him the most popular athlete on the Internet?
Home-court disadvantage: The Staples Center was 0-4 this weekend with the Lakers, Kings and Clippers (twice) all losing their home playoff games. It made for a dreary Monday in L.A. – sure, we all sat poolside sipping mai tais like always, but slightly tainted by an introspective wistfulness.
It’s in the game: “Tebowing” is going to be featured in the next Madden video game. And for increased realism they also added player bounties and a new concussion mode where the screen spins and the team’s trainer says you look fine.
Request accepted: Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan updated their relationship status to married and can now poke.
Aw, hell no! Will Smith slapped a male reporter who tried to kiss him on the mouth. He explained, “My movie’s called Men in Black – not Men in Back!”
Dead as disco: First Donna Summer. Then Robin Gibb. For God’s sake, somebody put K.C. on lockdown.
Bored games: Battleship, the movie based on the board game, opened to a disappointing gross of $25 million. … More like “You stank my Battleship!” Am I right?
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Glen Hentz, Jon Sumple