The hottest topics for the week of March 4, 2012 …
The big house: Former major leaguer Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to three years in prison for grand theft auto and providing a false financial statement. His nickname while playing was “Nails” – but after a few days in prison “Nailed” will be more accurate.
Wilder cards: Major League Baseball announced it is expanding the playoffs to 10 teams. “Just 20 more and we are in,” said the Baltimore Orioles.
Repeat offender: The Indians’ oft-injured outfielder Grady Sizemore is hurt and will miss two to three months. He was diagnosed with being Grady Sizemore.
Never surrender: Brewers’ outfielder Corey Hart hurt his knee and will need surgery … It’s not surprising. This is what happens when you go around wearing your sunglasses at night.
The eyes have it: New Pirate A.J. Burnett underwent orbital socket surgery and will miss two to three months after bunting a ball off his face. So, I guess you could say he was keeping his eye on the ball. Boom! This is too easy.
Bailing out: The New York Mets stadium revenues are down 30 percent since 2009. That sucks. But at least it’s better than their stadium’s sponsor CitiCorp – whose stock price is down 30 million percent since 2009.
Prognosis negative: The Mets’ Ike Davis was diagnosed with valley fever. Symptoms of which include coughing blood, chest pains, night sweats and fatigue – very similar to Bieber Fever.
Beantown beatdown: In a practice game against Northeastern University, the Red Sox won 25-0 … If this were the Rockies, Bobby Valentine would get one of those Jim Tracy-like infinite extensions.
Budget cuts: Yankees plan to lower payroll in the near future to avoid the luxury tax … What’s next? Getting rid of the assistant to the assistant traveling secretary?!
More Yankees: Sure, they want to stop spending, and, yes, the first step is admitting you have a problem. But my guess is these guys go back to their ways faster than Nic Cage to a crappy action film.
Bounty-gate: According to a report from the NFL, the New Orleans Saints had a bounty pool to reward knocking opposing players out of games for the last three years – and, once again, FEMA did nothing!
In theaters now: The Lorax, featuring Zac Efron as a cute boy, Taylor Swift as a pretty girl and Danny DeVito as a short, furry creature that cares about the environment, made $70 million … the highest opening weekend ever for a documentary film.
No kids allowed: J.K. Rowling announced that her next book is just for adults. For now, it’s called “Harold Potter and the Crippling Mortgage and Loveless Marriage.”
Thanks for the mammaries: Nude photos of the voluptuous Christina Hendricks were leaked to the Internet after her phone was hacked. How can something be a crime if it helps so many people?
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Stephen Arenholtz, Justin Workman