The hottest topics for the week of September 18, 2011 …
Man up: The Minnesota Twins have announced that Joe Mauer’s season is over due to pneumonia. I sure hope he doesn’t have AIDS.
Mo saves: I am prepared to extend congratulations to Mariano Rivera getting his record-setting 602nd save just as soon as the DNA tests come back confirming he is not a cyborg.
Tiger treats: The Detroit Tigers clinched their division title this week. Every fan in attendance was granted permission to leave Detroit.
Red sux: Boston pitcher John Lackey got hammered again – this time by the lowly Orioles. If he was a pet, I think we’d all agree it’s time to have him put down.
Moving on: Prince Fielder told a reporter this week that this is likely his last season with the Brewers. He hopes his next team will have a competitive roster, an enthusiastic fanbase and an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Blending in: Toronto’s Brett Cecil missed a game after cutting his finger on a blender. Fortunately the margaritas were unharmed.
Knuckle sandwich: Tim Wakefield won his 200th game and men’s league softball pitchers everywhere wonder if they had moderately applied themselves could they have had a similar career.
Mismanagement: The Reds owner has announced that in 2012 they are bringing back Dusty Baker to manage the team – officially locking up a third place finish for next year.
If I was a carpenter: The Cardinals signed pitcher Chris Carpenter to a two-year extension worth $21 million. When asked about why he took a pay decrease, Chris said, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be injured for most of that time anyway.”
Ladies night: The WNBA playoffs are in full swing. I guess it’s that time of the month.
AKA: Ron Artest has changed his name to Metta World Peace. He had to settle for this because his first choice “Gary Busey” was already taken.
All wet: The College Football Hall of Fame had $100,000 in flood damage after a fire sprinkler malfunction. In other news, a Miami Hurricane player is under investigation for trying to sell an autographed sprinkler head to a booster.
On the air: The Situation and Snooki get most of the publicity, but my favorite cast member of The Jersey Shore is alcohol.
In theatres now: If you don’t go out and see “Straw Dogs” then you are just like everyone else.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Ben Fiandaca, Stephen Arenholz, Zach Pennington, Sepp Thor, and Justin Workman