Contributors: Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of February 10, 2013 …
The Bourn resolution: Outfielder Michael Bourn finally got a contract this week when he agreed to a deal with the Indians. The contract is for $48 million and doesn’t include a no-trade clause – actually, since it’s Cleveland, Bourn requested a yes-please-trade clause.
More Bourn: Sportswriters are hailing the signing: “It’s about time,” “Was getting a little worried there” and “I guess he had to sign somewhere.”
More Indians: The team also signed Daisuke Matsuzaka to a deal … as if time doesn’t go by slow enough in Cleveland.
Rocky Mountain high: Last week in Denver, aging Rockies first baseman Todd Helton was charged with a DUI – and also grand larceny for the last five years of his contract.
Point-Counterpoint: Curt Schilling claims someone on the Red Sox medical staff suggested he take PEDs a few years ago for his injured shoulder. An unnamed team source responded to the allegations with, “liar, liar, pants on fire.”
One more shot: Boston Red Sox prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself while cleaning a handgun and the team immediately blamed Bobby Valentine.
Baseball, eh? Former Montreal Expo Tim Raines was selected to the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame, joining such greats as Ferguson Jenkins, Larry Walker and moose.
King among men: With concerns about his elbow, Seattle Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez announced he will skip this year’s World Baseball Classic – just like most baseball fans.
Like Mike: Former Dodger catcher Mike Piazza denied using steroids in his book, saying “I have no interest in anyone buying this book.”
More Piazza: Mike also denied being gay: “If I were gay, I would be gay all the way.” Torii Hunter then said he would be uncomfortable reading Mike’s book.
What can Braun do for you? Ryan Braun is one of the players listed in the records of Biogenesis, the Florida doping clinic. He insists it’s not true and, this time, he’s blaming the UPS guy.
PEDralta: Detroit’s Jhonny Peralta’s name is also on the list of the Florida clinic and we can only hope he got his money back.
You’re out! The co-captain of MIT’s baseball team came out as gay to his teammates. But what was really shocking was the revelation that MIT has a baseball team.
If he had a hammer: Cardinals’ pitcher Chris Carpenter is likely out for this season and maybe his career. No one saw this coming and it might screw the team, but the team has other tools and they know the drill and won’t have to draw up new plans for a team that has studs and knows the angles. Oh, man, how terrible is this? It’s not even funny in a stupid way. Sorry.
Extra Innings
Dislike Lancealot: Forbes put out a list of “Most-Hated Athletes in America” and Lance Armstrong came in at number one. Yet another first place finish because of doping.
Weekend update: Justin Bieber hosted “Saturday Night Live” and performed as both a singer and an actor – proving that he is a double threat … to good taste.
Must see TV: “The Carrie Diaries” makes sense since “Sex & the City” was actually a prequel for “The Golden Girls.”
Pope springs eternal: Pope Benedict XVI announced he would step down on February 28. He plans on hosting Saturday Night Live the following weekend.
Down under: North Korea confirmed that it has conducted its third underground nuclear test and all-you-can-eat barbecue.
Game changer: The makers of Monopoly announced they are replacing the iron game piece – while makers of Hipster Monopoly will be getting rid of irony.
The Grammys
Rihanna gave a fantastic performance on stage at the Grammys. Chris Brown was spotted saying: “I’ve hit that. And I’ve also had sex with her.”
Millions of people throughout the country tuned in to this year’s Grammys – though 95 percent of them were teenage boys tuning in just to see Katy Perry’s boobs.
At Pre-Grammy Party Miley Cyrus flashed some sideboob. This is what happens when you let your dad design your dresses.
When he lost out on a Grammy to Frank Ocean, Chris Brown stayed seated as the crowd applauded because he’s not used to being the one getting beaten.
