The Hot Corner: Miguel Cabrera, Twinkies, Jessica Simpson


Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar

The hottest topics for the week of November 18, 2012 …

After signing with the Miami Marlins last week, Juan Pierre wonders where he’ll be traded next week.

Bad grammar: Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey won the National League Cy Young Award. So, R.A. Dickey now are a Cy Young Award winner.

Price is wrong: Tampa Bay’s David Price won the Cy Young Award over Detroit’s Justin Verlander. Even though he had superior statistics in almost every category, Justin was clearly just riding the coattails of Miguel Cabrera’s intangibles; right, crazy people who think Miguel Cabrera has some sort of power to make other players better?

AL MVP Award rant:

  • Despite Mike Trout’s overall statistical superiority, Miguel Cabrera won the American League MVP Award, and the voting wasn’t even close. Voters felt strongly that someone needed to teach a lesson to all these stat nerds who are ruining baseball by explaining the game in greater depth and with more accuracy.
  • Many Baseball Writers Association of America members felt this was a true vindication for the way the game used to be played – which makes it even more of a surprise that the white guy didn’t win.
  • The heavyset Cabrera may not have been the Most Valuable Player, but he was definitely the Most Player.
  • His teammates say Miggy was definitely the MVP – maybe they’re just glad he stopped endangering lives with drunk driving.
  • You have to figure that if Miggy actually did carry his team by himself, he probably carried them in his belly.
  • In the last month of the season, Miggy’s “incredible” offensive numbers actually only factored into three of the team’s wins – while his poor baserunning and fielding factored into four of the team’s losses. “Interesting,” say some. “Facts bad!” scream everyone else.

Bettor not best: The official documents banning Pete Rose from baseball failed to sell at auction. I guess no one wanted to take the gamble. (Sorry. Please contact the website for a full refund of your purchase price.)

What about Bob? The Oakland Athletics’ Bob Melvin was named Manager of the Year. Aw, yeah, Moneyball won something! Take that, haters!

Gone fishing: To recap, the Marlins tricked Miami into building a new stadium, then tricked players into signing there before pulling the rug out from under everyone and blowing up the team after less than a season. How is Jeffrey Loria not a congressman already?

More Marlins: Jeff Loria is an a-hole.

John Peter: The Marlins have agreed to a contract with Juan Pierre. No news yet on which outfield position he will play or where he will be traded.

Free shipping: After serving his 50-game suspension for using performance-enhancing drugs, Melky Cabrera signed with the Toronto Blue Jays. Melky jumped at the opportunity to be closer to all those Canadian pharmacies.

More Melky: They’re hoping he won’t be a melk dud. Oh, yeah, I went there. He has gotten Snickers for being a Butterfinger in the outfield but management is hoping he’ll get back to his old Twix and hit like Baby Ruth. Okay, I’m done.

Extra Innings

No H8: Current WNBA player Jennifer Lacy’s ex-girlfriend, former WNBA player Chamique Holdsclaw, was arrested for domestic assault. Hold on, people. The WNBA just got interesting.

I’ll be there for you: Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan has a love child he claims was not from an affair because he and Dina Lohan were “on a break.” It’s just like Ross and Rachel, except instead of Friends, it’s The Worst People Ever.

The mostest: Hostess, maker of America’s favorite unhealthy snack, Twinkies, announced it was ceasing operations. Luckily for us Americans though, we still have Krispy Kreme, Hot Pockets, Funyuns, Pizza Hut, Snickers, Doritos, Big Macs, M&Ms and so on …

Word play: Xi Jinping is the new head of China’s Communist Party. You may remember him as the highest-scoring word in Scrabble.

Slim fast: Jessica Simpson’s dieting has paid off and she’s lost almost 60 pounds – her biggest loss of useless weight since she got rid of Nick Lachey.


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