Contributors: Jon Sender, Stephen Arenholtz, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of March 3, 2013 …
Double trouble: The Twins’ Joe Mauer and his wife are expecting twins – of course. And if he had played for the Pirates, what then? Arrgggg! Ya best be havin’ a boy!
Stereotypes: Ichiro Suzuki is okay after a traffic accident with a woman in Tampa. An Asian guy and a woman? It’d be more of a surprise if they weren’t in an accident.
Domestic disturbance: Tigers pitcher Brayan Villarreal’s family was robbed and threatened with death at his home in Venezuela. Local law authorities suspect the attacks are the result of how this guy spells his name.
More Villareal: Still more safe than Detroit.
Rub some dirt on it: The Rangers’ Elvis Andrus missed a game with soreness from a new tattoo. In his defense, the tattoo is a pretty bitchin’ dolphin jumping through a rainbow waterfall.
A leg up: An Iraq War veteran who lost a leg tried out for the Dodgers. When asked if this was a PR stunt a Dodgers representative yelled, “You’re a PR stunt!” and stomped out of the pressroom.
Teach a man to fish: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have decided to reward Mike Trout’s all-world rookie season with a $20,000 raise over the league minimum. No wonder he’s buying $5 footlongs at Subway.
More Mike Trout: Who handles the payroll for the Angels? MVP voters?
Even More Mike Trout: His agent Craig Landis is pissed and feels the Angels are using the system against Mike Trout – said the agent who helped Aaron Rowand steal $36 million from the Giants.
Sweet relief: Scott Proctor said his decline as a pitcher had more to do with a drinking problem than arm problems. Though he also admitted that he only started drinking because of arm problems.
Headline fixed: Landlady Suing Tim Lincecum for Wrecking House; Having Stupid Hair.
Korean BBQ: In an absolutely strange turn of events, former NBA star Dennis Rodman met with North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. That’d be like if former NBA star Dennis Rodman met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.
More Rodman: The White House says North Korea’s government should be focused on the wellbeing of its citizens, not on celebrities – and they added that the White House is thinking about doing that as well.
You got robbed: Joe Flacco became the highest-paid player in NFL history. Atheists everywhere are seen nodding to the point of whiplash.
For reals: Charlie Sheen wants to mentor Lindsay Lohan. [punchline not needed]
Bieber bummer: There was an outpouring of support for Justin Bieber, who tweeted last Friday that he had the “worst birthday.” I would also be upset, too, if at age 19, I had millions of dollars, tons of female fans and still no pubic hair.
Judge not: Heidi Klum has joined the judges panel on America’s Got Talent and has been immediately voted off.
Live nude girls: Girls Gone Wild filed for bankruptcy? I guess the market for topless girls just isn’t what it used to be thanks to Lena Dunham.
Reality bite: Brody Jenner is joining the Keeping Up With the Kardashians cast. I’m just so glad to see he’s not resting on the laurels of his past hard work.
Belated Bieber: Justin Bieber was two hours late for his opening night at London’s O2 Arena, forcing hundreds of parents to leave with their children – but there’s no official count of the survivors.
More Bieber: Many of these children missed out on hearing Bieber’s best songs – so now they have a slight chance of growing up normal.
HIV positive: Scientists cure a baby of HIV. “Yeah, but the lil’ fella is still allergic to gluten,” sighed the baby’s parents.
More HIV cure: Congratulations, Herpes, you’re back on top!