Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of June 9, 2013 …
Mac daddy: The Houston Astros drafted Mark Appel. Who wants to tell the Astros that this doesn’t mean they’ll get free iPhone 6s?
Rocket boy: Roger Clemens’ son was drafted by the Houston Astros, but he chose the University of Texas instead because they have a better team.
Baseball-capped: Arizona Diamondbacks drafted a paralyzed player. You can imagine the Miami Marlins disappointment.
Look in the mirror: Alex Rodriguez said he plans to keep tabs on developments in the Biogenesis drug investigation. Sure, A-Rod. Just like O.J.’s diligent search for Nicole’s “real killer.”
Beleaguered: On Monday, once again, the Dodgers “closer” Brandon League snatched defeat from the jaws of victory allowing the Diamondbacks to score three runs in the ninth. If League keeps this up, Ned Colletti will have no choice but to give him a ridiculous contract extension.
Braun and brains: Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun has missed a few games because he has a sore thumb. He would’ve been playing sooner but there’s been some kind of delay on his special treatment from a clinic in Florida.
No guts, no glory: San Francisco’s Chad Gaudin threw up twice right before pitching well in a game. It’s quite normal for this to happen when someone thinks about Chad Gaudin pitching.
One man’s garbage: The Yankees released Chien-Ming Wang last week and now he’ll be starting for the Blue Jays on Tuesday night – first on the grounds crew then working his way up to peanut vendor.
Shake it up: Brandon McCarthy had a seizure in a restaurant, and now he knows just how many free breadsticks are too many.
No way, Jose: Canseco has put his polygraph results up for sale. Want to go halvsies?
Heaven help him: The New England Patriots have signed Tim Tebow – first on the grounds crew then working his way up to peanut vendor.
Ocho contendere: Former NFL star Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson got 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer on the butt during a parole hearing for making a really great play.
Double standard: Kim Kardashian claims that the Paparazzi threatened her life. And now to teach them a lesson she plans on always being available for photographs always.
Laugh it up, fuzzball: Peter Mayhew, the man who played Star Wars’ Chewbacca, had a light saber cane seized at the airport. How can one story be so charming and so depressing at the same time?
After learning the NSA has been accessing their phone records, millions of Americans are furious at such an invasion of privacy – like a teenage boy whose mother just found the magazines under his bed.
“Sir, we’ve got something! Not sure what exactly but our best men are trying to decipher the code.” – NSA listening in on Tori Amos
The worst part about the NSA spying on your phone calls is now they know you still call your mother “mommy.”
“No, you hang up first.” – NSA