The hottest topics for the week of April 8, 2012 …
Lost in translation: After manager Ozzie Guillen said he loved and respected Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, the Marlins suspended him for five games. Good thing they don’t know about his “Lopez Tonight” DVD box set.
More of the same: The Red Sox and Braves both started off the season getting swept by their opponents just in case any of their fans had healed at all from last September’s collapse.
Rough starts: The New York Yankees were swept in their season opening series by the Tampa Bay Rays. More like the Bronx Bummers! Am I right?
More rough starts: The San Francisco Giants were swept in their season opening series by the Arizona Diamondbacks. More like the San Francisco Little Giants! Am I right?
More rough starts: The Minnesota Twins were swept in their season opening series by the Baltimore Orioles. More like the Minnesota Twins! Am I right?
Strange brew: After an offseason full of rumors about steroid use, Ryan Braun finally hit his first home run, which will help get the weight of all this off his shoulders – though it won’t help his bacne or shrunken testicles.
Handi-capable: A blind veteran threw out the first pitch for the Pirates. The pitch made it to the catcher, so the Red Sox signed him for their bullpen.
Statuesque: The Rangers unveiled a statue in honor of Shannon Stone, the fan who died trying to catch a foul ball. Following their lead, the Houston Astros are building a statue in honor of all of their fans’ hopes.
Beer me: At the Cubs’ opener, Bill Murray ran the bases, threw out the first pitch and sang “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” So, now the Dos Equis guy is the Second Most Interesting Man in the World.
Retirement party: Colorado’s 49-year-old Jamie Moyer pitched five innings against the Astros before cracking in half.
Did you know? Baseball is the only major U.S. sport where the season begins and ends in the same calendar year. Except for the Cubs, which begins and ends in the same week.
Likely story: Twins pitcher Kyle Hendricks missed his start on Sunday with what he claims was food poisoning. More like the Minnesota Twins! Am I right?
It’s in the hole! The relatively unknown Bubba Watson won the Masters golf tournament. He’s left-handed, so it felt like someone else was doing it.
Game on! The Stanley Cup playoffs starts this week – or as I like to call it “Ice Capades with much worse ratings.”
In theaters now: The fourth installment of the American Pie movies hit theaters last week, titled American Reunion. “What! No pie?” exclaimed Prince Fielder.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Glen Hentz, Sepp Thor