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The hottest topics for the week of December 26, 2011 …
Prince among men: It looks like there isn’t much interest in Prince Fielder from any particular team. This is all very strange, since his agent claims Fielder is one of the all-time greats, won’t gain any more weight and knows how to fly a unicorn.
Circle of life: Oakland traded pitcher Gio Gonzalez to the Nationals for highly regarded young prospects who they hope will develop into quality players to help the team in the future when they are traded for highly regarded young prospects.
A Roy deal: Roy Oswalt has drawn some interest from the Red Sox, Nationals, Marlins, Blue Jays, Yankees, Rangers and Twins, however, only one of these teams will be able to have him disappoint them.
Judge not: The Cincinnati Reds claimed Josh Judy off the waiver wire. They hope he can be a decent bench player as well as adjudicate small claims disputes between players.
Un-American League: Arizona has signed former Minnesota Twins designated hitter Jason Kubel. Man, it’s going to be awkward when the Diamondbacks find out that the National League doesn’t use the designated hitter.
Collective bargaining: The new labor agreement between the owners and the players bans players from betting with illegal bookies on any sport – a smart move for the league, mainly because of that pesky “it’s against the law” thing.
More CBA: The new deal also allows players to be disciplined for violating the as yet unwritten league social media policy. Unwritten? So, players, now’s your last chance to tweet pictures of your junk.
Bargain shopping: Lots of mediocre players signed this week for rock-bottom prices. “You could have gotten these players for three times these prices a month ago!” laughed the Dodgers’ Ned Colletti.
Let’s get physical: Texas Rangers catcher Yorvit Torrealba was suspended 66 games by the Venezuelan League for striking an umpire. Though the umpire claimed it was his own fault and he deserved it and he actually just walked into a door.
Player movement: The Cardinals signed Carlos Beltran to replace Albert Pujols in their lineup. This move gave St. Louis fans a little hope, but the loss of Pujols really wrecked ‘em. … Wrecked ‘em? It nearly killed ‘em.
Van awesome: Van Halen announces tour with David Lee Roth. This is great news for fans of the original band as well as friends and family who thought Mr. Lee Roth was dead.
In theaters now: I know everyone’s excited about seeing “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” and maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I prefer my holiday movies to be a lot less rapey.
Three-peat: Kim Kardashian says that despite getting a divorce from Kris Humphries, she’d get married again. Sure, but who’s going to pay her $17 million to do it again? Answer: We all will … with our souls.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington