Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of December 16, 2012 …
Knuckle up: The Blue Jays continued their Dodgers-like spending spree, landing the current NL Cy Young winner from the New York Mets. Toronto, you R now A Dickey.
More Dickey: “Blue Jays Extend Dickey” is my favorite sports headline that is also an ad for a male enhancement product.
More Dickey: It was reported that R.A. would walk in ’14 if he did not receive a new contract. Insiders speculated that he would walk erratically in different directions at varying speeds.
Bad company: After playing almost his entire career with the Red Sox, Kevin Youkilis joined the hated Yankees, following in the footsteps of Roger Clemens, Johnny Damon, Wade Boggs, Benedict Arnold, Cypher from The Matrix, Fredo Corleone, Sarumon and Judas.
Staying loose: After signing a one-year contract, Stephen Drew will be the Red Sox eighth opening day shortstop in the last ten seasons. The team is considering changing the name of the position to Taylor Swift.
Angel in the outfield: In a surprise move, last week former Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton signed with the Angels. Okay, Josh, enough of the religious stuff.
More Hamilton: Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington said that what he truly wanted was for Josh Hamilton to return … as well as a Scarface-sized pile of cocaine.
The Bourn identity crisis: Michael Bourn is still a free agent. He doesn’t have much cause for concern since his main skills are his highly regarded speed and defense – and speed use is becoming more frequent in densely populated areas.
Angel in the witness box: Josh Hamilton is being sued over a “Play Hard, Pray Harder” clothing line. God was unavailable for comment.
More “Play Hard”: If that slogan is taken maybe he should consider these: “Play Hard, Pray Harderer” or “Pray Harder with a Vengeance” or maybe “Pray Hard: The Search for Spock.”
Blue balls: On the heels of signing Zack Greinke, Dodgers GM Ned Colletti claims they are not spending recklessly. Meanwhile, the nachos at Magic Johnson’s TGI Fridays have been raised to $37.99 a plate.
Add it up: Ichiro turned down a $15 million offer from the Giants and instead signed with the Yankees for $13 million. Well, so much for Asians being good at math.
Extra Innings
Da beers: Chicago linebacker Brian Urlacher ripped fans for booing the Bears at a home game. Hey, Brian, relax! These are Chicago fans; they were yelling, Booze!”
Blame game: Andrew Bynum says Kobe stunted his growth as a player in Los Angeles. He goes on to claim that Kobe is responsible for Andrew’s current hairstyle, his parents splitting up and Hurricane Sandy.
Live and let die: At the 12-12-12 Hurricane Sandy Benefit concert, Sir Paul McCartney played a new song with the surviving members of Nirvana. It was the biggest earner of the night, with thousands calling in offering donations to get them to stop playing it.
Publicity stunted: Musician/DJ Deadmau5 proposed to his girlfriend, tattoo enthusiast Kat Von D, publicly via Twitter. She accepted, making this the second lamest proposal in history, the first being when Hot Corner contributor Atman Thakrar’s dad arranged his marriage for him when he was a teenager. [Note from the Jeditor: You may not think this is particularly funny, but holy crap is it fascinating!]
More Von Deadmau5: In celebration, Kat Von D is planning an experimental surgery to add a new limb she can cover in stupid tattoos.
In theaters now: This week The Hobbit set a record for opening weekends in December. It’s so loaded with filthy, bearded, unkempt people, they should have called it The Hipster.
