The hottest topics for the week of September 11, 2011 …
Boston bummer: After a weekend sweep at Tampa Bay reduced the Red Sox wild card lead to three games, the levelheaded, completely rational Red Sox Nation is quickly morphing into the Patriots Nation.
No country for old men: Bud Selig reiterated that he still definitely intends to retire after 2012 and start doing Wrangler commercials.
Angels in the outfield: The Texas Rangers are getting nervous as the Angels make a run for the division title. Some people think there’s no chance. But Tony Danza, Danny Glover and Joseph Gordon-Levitt think you gotta believe!
Four more years: The Pittsburgh Pirates rewarded Neal Huntington with a contract extension despite being 19 games out of first in their division and having one of the worst records in baseball. Is he a general manager or a politician?
Pudgy: Catcher Ivan Rodriguez announced he wants to play four more years. “Something other than baseball, I hope,” said everyone.
Up in smoke: Jim Leyland has been so pleased with the Tigers’ play down the stretch that he switched to menthols.
Hair-brained: The Giants’ Brian Wilson and his beard are getting close to returning to the team. They say he had injured his elbow, but we all know the truth: fleas.
Lost Angeles: Dodgers’ GM Ned Colletti said there won’t be any major changes to the club for 2012 and they are just a move or two away from contending … as long as the first move is firing Ned Colletti.
Tomahawk choke: The Atlanta Braves keep losing games and their place in the playoffs is uncertain. It’s hard to feel bad for them considering what happened to the actual “braves” they’re named after.
Tennis, again: After winning the U.S. Open, Serbian-born Novak Djokovic graciously accepted the nickname “No Joke” I gave him in a conversation I had with myself.
Are you ready? The National Football League kicked off this weekend with some very touching and patriotic tributes to 9/11 – including the Cowboys giving away their game to let the New York Jets win.
Brady bunch: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady set a Monday Night Football record with 517 yards thrown against Miami. And his hair was perfect.
Adults and tiaras: This year’s Miss Universe is Angola’s Leila Lopes. The two runners up were Norblat Kynbw from Alpha Centauri and “Steve” from the dwarf planet Pluto.
On the air: I’m loving this new reality show called “The Republican Presidential Debate.” I can’t wait to find out who gets voted off the island.
In theaters now: Is it just me or do the commercials for the movie “Contagion” seem kind of like a PSA warning you not to see it?
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Jon Sumple, Sepp Thor, Justin Workman