The hottest topics for the week of August 26, 2012 …
Coast to coast: In the wake of the Boston-LA mega trade, it’s unclear if the former Red Sox players will be okay when their chicken and beer in the clubhouse are now sushi and white wine spritzers.
Golden oldie: At age 50, Roger Clemens pitched for the Sugar Land Skeeters this weekend. It went okay, except they had to change his nickname from “Rocket” to “Rocking Chair.”
Silver lining: Japan won the Little League World Series. Their big advantage was using mutant children affected by radiation from the 2011 Fukushima power plant accident.
Unathletic: Oakland pitcher and man of girth Bartolo Colon was suspended by Major League Baseball when a blood test revealed elevated levels of testosterone … and pizza and cake.
Toast of Texas: Ranger’s third baseman Adrian Beltre hit three home runs in a game, then hit for the cycle, then drove in four runs in a game. With this kind of production you’d think he was a left-fielder for the Giants.
Blue Jay cray-cray: Toronto’s Colby Rasmus cornrowed his hair. I guess somebody spent their All-Star break in the Bahamas.
Wolf pack of one: After what’s been a disappointing season, the Milwaukee Brewers released pitcher Randy Wolf. A team spokesman said, “He just wasn’t hungry like he used to be.”
You’re safe! Umpire Jim Joyce used CPR to help save a woman’s life. Then her disgruntled husband got right in his face and argued the call.
Stopped short: Derek Jeter had to field questions about possibly doping after Skip Bayless implied that he was. Normally I’d put a punchline here, but Skip Bayless is a bigger joke than any I could make. Also, Jeter’s totally doping.
A phine mess: The Phillies gave out Hunter Pence bobbleheads at the stadium even though he had been traded weeks before. It was the team’s way of saying, “Thanks for coming out to the game. Go f**k yourself!” So, yeah, it was a big hit with the Philly fans.
Respect my authoritah! The taxpayer-funded USADA has decided to strip Lance Armstrong of his Tour de France titles, despite no physical evidence of doping or the authority to do so. Next up, they’re going to prove that Shakira’s hips actually do lie.
More Armstrong: Seven-time Tour de France champion and testicular cancer survivor Lance Armstrong will not be defending the doping charges. He just doesn’t have the balls to fight anymore.
Moon walker: Former NASA astronaut Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon, passed away last week at the age of 82. He could have gone another few years if Lance wasn’t so stingy with the needle.
Touchin’ hands: Penn State University has decided that at football games they will no longer play Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” – a song they’ve been playing for years and years. Man, these guys really don’t react quickly to any crime.
Shore story: The Jersey Shore’s Snooki Polizzi finally gave birth – but no word yet on the size of the litter.
Two of a kind: After Chad Kroeger of Nickelback proposed to singer Avril Lavigne, he explained, “We had a deal that if by the time I’m 40 and she’s 30 that literally every human being on the planet hated us, we’d tie the knot.”
The royal wee-wee: The British tabloids recently ran nude photos of Prince Harry partying in Las Vegas. More like Prince Not-So-Harry, am I right?
Shady lady: Lindsay Lohan is still a suspect in the theft of $100,000 worth of watches and sunglasses. She explained, “I did it because my future is so bright that I need shades. Ha ha! Seriously though, I don’t want to be late for my drug dealer.”
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar