The hottest topics for the week of December 4, 2011 …
Mr. Glass: The Marlins have agreed to sign injury-prone free agent Jose Reyes for $105 million. Unfortunately, he sprained his wrist high-fiving his agent.
Two of a kind: Former Dodgers’ closer Jonathon Broxton has signed on with Kansas City. So, with Joakim Soria, now the Royals have two closers … but they’re not any closer to winning. BOOM! Professional writing!
Valentine’s day: The Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager. He hasn’t managed a team in 10 years, so I guess we’ll find out whether it’s true that “if you don’t use it, you lose it.”
More Valentine: The Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager … I guess Sparky Anderson was unavailable.
More Valentine: The Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager. Beer-drinking Red Sox players may not be happy about this, but “Sunday Night Baseball” watchers are ecstatic.
More Valentine: The Red Sox hired Bobby Valentine as their new manager and would like to thank the Yankees for handling the hiring process for them.
A positive influence: Last week Magic Johnson joined a group trying to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers. I hope they’re all wearing protection.
SEC: Miami: The Securities and Exchange Commission is investigating the Miami Marlins regarding their new stadium deal … Looks like the SEC [puts on sunglasses] is trying to catch a big fish. YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Performance enhanced: Outfielder Manny Ramirez filed reinstatement papers and had his 100-game suspension reduced by 50 percent – also reduced by 50 percent: his testicles.
Not too soon: Ron Santo was elected to the Hall of Fame a year after his death. That’s ridiculous. He was one of the all-time greats. That’d be like only now giving Ernest Borgnine the Lifetime-Achievement Oscar he so richly deserved … Wait, he’s not dead? … Are you sure? … I’m pretty sure he’s dead … Fine. But Ron Santo is dead, right? … Okay, cool.
2012 Super Bowl: Madonna has been confirmed as the halftime entertainment. “Has been” being the key words in that sentence.
Four play: The NHL announced plans to realign the league into four conferences. But what they really need to realign is what TV network shows their games. Sorry, I can’t find “Versus” buried among the home shopping, Spanish language and surgery channels.
You’re fired: Kurt Busch was let go by the Penske Racing Team – a move that is certain to drive NASCAR fans to drinking.
Heisman Trophy: Many people were surprised that USC quarterback Matt Barkley wasn’t on the final list of Heisman candidates. Don’t worry, Matt. Things haven’t worked out too well for other USC Heisman winners. Right, Reggie Bush and O.J.?
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Justin Workman