The hottest topics for the week of June 17, 2011 …
Blind justice: A jury has acquitted Roger Clemens of lying to the government about PED use. A stalwart Clemens said afterward that he would dedicate the rest of his days to finding the real users.
Almost perfect: The Giants’ Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros, allowing no batters to reach base the entire game. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but what would have really made it perfect is if Kate Upton rode in on a Unicorn launching hot dogs into the crowd.
Second verse, same as the first: The new Dodgers’ owners seem to be okay with giving the decent Andre Ethier a stupid five-year extension for an obscene $85-million. Nethier of those make sense!
From the “nobody cares” department: It was announced that next year MLB executive Joe Torre will manage the U.S. players to their third-place finish in the World Baseball Classic.
Under the radar: The New York Yankees had a 10-game winning streak, but America was too busy hating LeBron James to notice.
No no-hitter: The Mets appealed the one hit in R.A. Dickey’s one-hitter, claiming it should’ve been scored an error. But when the clear “hit” during Johan Santana’s no-hitter was brought up, the team responded with a press statement: “Never mind.”
Un-Athletic: Manny Ramirez was granted a release by the Oakland Athletics. Manny is hoping to catch on with another team that might have a use for his bat and has better steroids.
No baseball for old men: Miguel Tejada, Manny Ramirez and Vlad Guerrero once batted 4-5-6 in an All-Star game, now they’ve all been cut after playing at triple-A. But they all want to keep playing … or film a sequel to Grumpy Old Men.
Galvis has left the building: Philadelphia Phillies rookie Freddy Galvis was suspended 50 games for testing positive for a banned substance, but he will spend the entire suspension on the disabled list so he won’t actually miss any games. If they really want to punish him, MLB should also hire him a chauffeur, a butler and a full-time masseuse trained in providing happy endings.
NBA Finals: The Miami Heat went up 3-1 on the Oklahoma City in a game the Thunder should have won. Lebron James had 26 points and 12 assists despite being slowed by cramps. I guess it was his time of the month.
Speedy racer: On Sunday Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won his first NASCAR race in over four years. What made it even more special was that it was on Father’s Day, so he and his dad could celebrate togeth— oh, what? Oops. Sorry … I’m sure it was still a nice victory.
What are you wearing? Ladainian Tomlinson signed a one-day contract with San Diego so he could retire as a Charger – the NFL’s equivalent of a late-night booty call with an ex.
Disappointing performance: After getting off to a great start at the U.S. Open, Tiger Woods couldn’t get it going and crashed in the third round. Don’t worry, Tiger. It happens to all guys.
Fight attendants: Chris Brown’s posse got into a rumble with Drake’s posse at a nightclub in New York … So, I guess Drake’s posse is all women?!
Dead pool: Legendary police punching bag Rodney King was found dead in his swimming pool Sunday. Maybe someday we can all just get along – but we can’t all swim.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz