The hottest topics for the week of August 19, 2012 …
Don’t call it a comeback: Roger Clemens is returning to baseball with the Sugar Land Skeeters. They have a nice stadium and a well-balanced team, but, most importantly, they have the perfect amount of no drug tests!
Got Melk? The San Francisco Giants’ unlikely offensive star Melky Cabrera tested positive for elevated levels of testosterone – though at first he claimed that was because he had just seen The Expendables 2.
More Cabrera: First it was left fielder Barry Bonds, now it’s left fielder Melky Cabrera. Hey, FBI, you might want to investigate the Giants left field PED vendor.
Even More Cabrera: Melky is also under investigation for starting a fake website to cover up his failed test. Investigators became suspicious upon realizing that every link went to an old Geocities Menudo fan site.
No way, Jose! BALCO’s Victor Conte claims that testosterone use is “rampant” in MLB! Of course it is, Vic, because a baseball player who isn’t using testosterone is called a woman.
Present perfect: It actually wasn’t very surprising that “King” Felix Hernandez, one of the best pitchers in the game, pitched a perfect game. What was surprising was that the Mariners actually managed to score one run to win.
Umpire strikes back: Matt Kemp was tossed from a game for rooting his teammate on, but in the ump’s defense, most guys who cheer for the Dodgers are criminals.
Speed kills: Minor league speedster Billy Hamilton is closing in on the minor league stolen-base record. And then, like Crash Davis before him, he will get to have sex with Susan Sarandon in a tub surrounded by candles.
Boys’ town: This year’s Little League World Series has begun. As always, when gambling, pick the team with the most mustaches.
Boston uncommons: The Red Sox have lost for the 13th straight time on Bostonian Ben Affleck’s birthday – the longest-known protest for his performance in Armageddon.
Girl power: Augusta National Golf Club surprised its membership by announcing their first female members. A representative of the club explained, “It was a decision whose time had come and, besides, we needed more help in the kitchen.”
Tonight slow: Jay Leno is taking a pay cut down to $20 million a year. That’s $1 million per metric ton of jawbone.
Back to the TV: NBC says that it’s giving Michael J. Fox a new series. Nice to see NBC shaking things up.
In theaters now: Can you even imagine how much lubricant was used in the movie Hope Springs?!?
Odds in their favor: With the release of the Hunger Games on DVD this weekend, fans bought millions of copies. I guess you could say they were starving for it.
No holiday: Madonna has been sued in Russia by nine Russian citizens for supporting gay rights. Probably now is the perfect time to open a Chick Fil-A in Russia.
Disharmony: Kenny G is getting a divorce? Man, he really blew it.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz