Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of July 21, 2013 …
The Braun identity: Ryan Braun has been suspended for the rest of the season by MLB for his involvement in the Biogenesis scandal. In accepting his suspension, Braun admitted to no actual wrongdoing, only apologizing for “mistakes” and “not murdering all the witnesses.”
More Braun: But the real losers in all this are the Milwaukee Brewers fans because … well … they’re Milwaukee Brewers fans.
Even More Braun: Fortunately for Brewers fans there’s beer.
Ranger danger: Pitcher Matt Garza was traded from the Cubs to the Rangers. He said he’s very happy to have the chance to lose a World Series.
More Garza: When asked about what he thought about his new manager Ron Washington, Garza said, “I’m excited. I’ve always wanted to try cocaine.”
People’s choice: Alex Rodriguez may be facing a 50-game suspension for his involvement in Biogenesis. “We’re hoping it’s more than that,” said literally every human person on this planet.
Price gauging: The Boston Red Sox are in talks with Dustin Pedroia for a reported $100 million contract extension. In related news, I just sold Ben Cherington my ’98 Corolla for $183,000.
Seattle’s finest: The Mariners scored four runs on just one hit, marking only the third time in baseball history Seattle scored four runs or more.
Thigh master: The Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez has a strained thigh and could possibly miss his next injury.
Enemy mine: Red Sox fans cheered Mariano Rivera in a game at Fenway Park on Saturday, confirming reports that the Yankees are no longer a threat in the American League East.
Numbers game: Tiger Woods lost by five when he only managed a 74 in the final round of the British Open. As usual what he really needed was a 69.
If you want my body: FOX News host Geraldo Rivera tweeted a shirtless pic of himself – the Republican Party’s way of officially announcing him as their candidate for the 2016 Presidential elections.
More Rivera: Geraldo Rivera also insists he’s changing his name to Magic Miguel.
Over achieving: The city of Detroit filed for bankruptcy, which is the largest city ever to do so. First place!
Pros and cons: As a nerd, a big part of Comic Con is the nostalgia and seeing things you haven’t seen in years. Like daylight.
Royal Baby Rant
The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Monday. He will never have better teeth than he does right now.
I hope they name him Nourth.
In England, doctors induce labor by yelling the phrase “Pop out for a cuppa tea!” repeatedly into the birth canal.
As tradition goes for the British monarchy, the royal baby has already colonized land in Africa and Asia, causing civil unrest.