The hottest topics for the week of November 27, 2011 …
MVP, LOL: The Brewers’ Ryan Braun beat out the Dodgers’ Matt Kemp for the National League MVP. For those who missed the memo, MVP now stands for “Most Valuable Player-whose-team-made-the-playoffs-because-said-player-had-better-teammates.”
The wrong guy: Justin Verlander won the AL MVP to go along with his Cy Young award. After getting the sport’s highest individual award for showing up every 5th game, Verlander expressed an interest in going into politics.
Baseball brunch: Chili Davis is the Oakland Athletics’ new hitting coach. Together with Coco Crisp, the A’s are now the best tasting team in baseball.
Big league chew: The new MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement limits tobacco use … by restricting spitting distances to three yards or less.
The price is wrong: Yankees raised the prices of bleacher seats – making a ticket cost nearly half as much as the preposterous parking fees. Am I right, people who live in New York City and have experience with this kind of thing?
Royals pain: Kansas City signed Bruce Chen to $10 million over two years – proving that the big-market teams aren’t the only ones who know how to waste money.
Dan the Man: Albert Pujols’ “super-agent” Dan Lazano apparently has a history of drinking heavily and buying prostitutes for his clients – more like “super duper agent.”
Yankee doodle dandy: Mariano Rivera may need vocal chord surgery – it won’t affect his pitching but he will be missed at Jeter’s Karaoke Night.
More Rivera: Manager Joe Girardi says he doesn’t think this will be Rivera’s last year. Of course it isn’t – because Mariano Rivera is a robot. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Lying Lion: After stomping a Packers’ lineman, Ndamukong Suh claimed he was just trying to regain his balance. Suh ended his press conference by roundhouse kicking a reporter’s face to help remove an eyelash.
Tim Tebow: I was trying to write another hilarious Tebow joke but my computer froze, my Internet went down and three of the wheels on my rolling chair popped off. I’m going to move on now before I’m swarmed by locusts.
Pot music: Miley Cyrus was videoed at a party saying, “I’m a stoner!” Of course she is, that’s the only way she can listen to her own music.
Thanks for giving: Kim Kardashian served food to the homeless on Thanksgiving Day – which is just the sort of selfless act we’ve come to expect from someone who has given the world so much.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Brian Solari, Stephen Arenholtz