The hottest topics for the week of November 20, 2011 …
And the winner is: The Detroit Tigers’ Justin Verlander won the American League Most Valuable Player Award … more like the ALMost Valuable Player Award. … Am I right, folks?
He’s the boss: The Cubs named Dale Sveum as the team’s new manager. Sveum? Come on! That’s not a real name – that’s a bookcase from Ikea.
Desperate times: The Red Sox reportedly have interest in Bobby Valentine as their manager. Hey, we’ve all been there. It’s late. You’re lonely. Not a lot of options. So, you text that one person. It’ll be a fun night. But the morning will be all bitter regret.
Change up: MLB announced the Astros will join the American League, but fans in Houston were disappointed to hear that didn’t mean the team was leaving town.
Wild at heart: MLB announced they will add one more wild card team to each league as soon as next season. “Just in time, a-holes!” said the Atlanta Braves and the Boston Red Sox.
Dodgers back in business: Matt Kemp signed a $160 million extension leading some to speculate that Los Angeles may still have a baseball team.
Done deal: Owners and players agreed on a new collective bargaining agreement. So as not to confuse the idiots at the NBA and NFL, the owners pretend locked out the players, the players’ union pretend decertified, and then pretend sued the league.
Bloody mess: The new collective bargaining agreement includes HGH testing, requiring blood tests from players. However, the players got one concession: Blood can only be collected during a bench-clearing brawl.
Korea opportunities: Teams were disappointed to find out that Korean pitcher Suk-min Yoon will not be posted this offseason. But there’s still plenty of short ribs and chicken bulgogi. Boom! Korean BBQ humor!
Double standard: Cam Newton is the darling of the NFL even though he cheated his way through college and can’t win a game, but, yeah, somehow Tim Tebow’s totally the villain.
Circus circus: We probably shouldn’t take kids to the new Cirque de Soleil Michael Jackson show, right? Not sure just how Michael Jackson-y it’ll be.
Inevitable: This week Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore announced that they are ending their six-year publicity stunt.
In theaters now: “Breaking Dawn” made $140 million this weekend. Yes, just the weekend. That means adults went to see it also. There are a lot of problems in the world. Let’s get it together, America. You’re better than that.
Disco fever: Bee Gees star Barry Gibb announced that he’s battling liver cancer … but for now, he’s ah-ah-ah-ah staying alive!
The other football: The 2011 MLS Cup Final was played by two teams and we assume one of them won. Ha! Ha! Just kidding, it’s soccer, so they probably just tied 0-0 and then made out with each other.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz