The hottest topics for the week of February 13, 2012 …
Cuban missle: Yoenis Cespedes signed with the Athletics. The team’s expectations are high and there will be a lot of pressure, but at least the cultural adjustment will be easier going from a poverty-stricken hellhole like Cuba … to Oakland.
More Cespedes: Many people thought he was going to sign with the Marlins, but he changed his mind when he saw the team’s new uniforms, explaining, “No thanks. I’m not a switch hitter.”
Win win: Emilio Bonifacio and Anibal Sanchez both beat the Marlins in arbitration. The arbitrator explained, “If the team is gonna make them wear those uniforms, then they’re going to pay.”
Let’s make any deal: The Yankees have been trying to get anyone to take A.J. Burnett. To sweeten the pot they’re now offering a Derek Jeter post-coitus signed bat and ball gift basket.
Tank job: Orioles gave away Jeremy Guthrie for a couple relievers in a questionable trade and then signed injury prone Nick Johnson. Hey, guys, maybe next time try to be a little more subtle about giving up on the season.
Senior discount: The Yankees are rumored to be pursuing Vladimir Guerrero, Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui and Raul Ibanez. For what position? Chaperone?
Asia minor: The Baltimore Orioles have been banned from South Korea for signing a 17-year-old. Perverts.
Smell this: The Yankees are releasing new fragrances called “New York Yankees” and “New York Yankees for Her.” No joke required.
The list is Law: ESPN’s Keith Law put out his highly regarded annual Top 100 prospects list this week. I’m starting to think I might never get on this list.
Extra Innings
Lin-sulting: New York and NBA fans are going nuts for Knicks guard Jeremy Lin. Ease up, folks, it’s more than a little racist that you’re this excited that an Asian guy can play basketball.
Hi and goodbye: Chauncey Billups is out for the season with a torn Achilles tendon. You are now aware Chauncey Billups was still in the NBA.
One more time: Tiger Woods started off great at Pebble Beach and then Phil Mickelson came on strong at the end and won. This isn’t the first time he’s crashed and someone with a golf club has beaten him.
A puncher’s chance: On Sunday night, Chris Brown performed and won a Grammy Award for Best R&B Album. R&B = Rampaging & Battering.
Grammy awards: Bon Iver won Best New Artist, so I see no reason why we can’t give Eli Manning the Rookie of the Year award.
Reunited: Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are rumored to be back together. This is exciting news for her fans, friends, family and the Center for Disease Control.
We have a problem: Whitney Houston passed away this weekend. According to reports, drugs were involved, which, I guess, were her second-greatest love of all.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz
