The hottest topics for the week of December 18, 2011 …
Darvish, Texas Ranger: The Texas Rangers were announced as the high bidders in the Yu Darvish sweepstakes. I think he’s going to get along great with the one other Asian guy in Texas.
PED or STD: Rumors are swirling that Ryan Braun’s positive tests for PEDs may be the result of medication he’s taking for herpes – so now we all know how he really got the nickname “the Hebrew Hammer.”
Yankee panky: Derek Jeter’s been accused of sending the same post-hookup gift basket, featuring an autographed ball, to the same girl for the second time. She shouldn’t feel too bad, that’s four less than A-Rod has received.
Okay corral: The Milwaukee Brewers won the rights to sign Japanese star Norichika Aoki. The bidding price was much lower than for Yu Darvish; and while Darvish is a superstar in Japan, Norichika is just Aoki. (I know, it’s a reach, you try doing this stuff every week.)
Hard time: Barry Bonds does not have to go to jail for obstruction of justice. But he did get 30 days of house arrest at his two acre Beverly Hills home … This is eerily similar to the scene in “Shawshank Redemption” where not at all.
Beer me: The Milwaukee Brewers have signed heavyset third baseman Aramis Ramirez to a three-year deal – as they continue to make their team look like actual brewers.
Off the Mauerket: Joe Mauer got engaged to his long-time girlfriend. There’s not really a good joke here, but one of the contributors came up with “Off the Mauerket” and I think it’s one of the best and worst intros I’ve ever seen.
I do not think it means what you think it means: Former Cardinals’ skipper Tony LaRussa says that Albert Pujols is “in pain” over his decision to go to the Angels. The pain is mostly in his back – do you have any idea how heavy an extra $50 million is?
Tebow t-boned: The Denver Broncos and Tim Tebow actually lost a game this weekend to the Patriots, which I guess would make Tom Brady the antichrist.
Drugs are bad: Chicago wide receiver Sam Hurd got arrested for trying to set up a drug distribution ring. Unfortunately for the struggling Bears, the drugs were not performance enhancing.
Korea opportunity: North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died this past weekend, which shouldn’t come as a surprise – he’s been Il his whole life.
On the boob tube: People are going to get really sick of this new Chelsea Handler show once they realize each episode has Chelsea Handler in it.
Playboy, oh boy: Lindsay Lohan’s nude spread finally made its official appearance on newsstands. The photos are tastefully done … and they did a great job airbrushing out her ankle monitor.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz