The hottest topics for the week of February 27, 2012 …
Tek support: Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek announced he will retire this week. “It’s really the right time,” said everyone two years ago.
Technical knock out: After getting his suspension thrown out by an arbitrator on a technicality, Ryan Braun said he was “pleased and relieved.” But that’s probably just the herpes cream doing its thing.
More Braun: Of course Ryan Braun is innocent. If he’s “guilty” of anything, it’s using steroids.
No mas: New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has banned alcohol in the Boston clubhouse. And steroids, too. *wink wink*
Ryan’s hope: Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard’s Achilles saw its shadow and decided it needed another two months of rehab.
Rocky Mountain high: The Colorado Rockies have signed Jim Tracy to an “indefinite” contract. So, then I guess it’s okay if I hire this hobo to do my taxes.
Drinker, Texas Ranger: Josh Hamilton says that after this season, he will test free agency. And whatever you’ve got on tap.
Sensitive men: After Carl Crawford said he was “hurt” by a comment that signing him last season was a mistake, Boston owner John Henry apologized for the remark, adding, “But I hope the $18 million we wasted on you will ease your suffering.”
Oscar night: Ned Colletti took time away from the Dodgers to attend the Academy Awards. He said that it’s always been a dream of his to see the show in person. Coincidentally, it is also a dream of Dodgers fans that Ned take more time away.
Oscar rant: I’m not sure who was hosting the show, but he spent most of the time in a loose-fitting Billy Crystal mask.
War Horse and Moneyball were nominated for a total of 12 awards but didn’t win anything. Ned Colletti immediately signed them up for the Dodgers.
By the time the show was over it was very clear who should host next year: Jennifer Lopez’ nipple and Angelina Jolie’s right leg.
Who’s doing the starving children in Africa thing these days? Can we get them to send Angelina something?
Goodness gracious: At the delayed Daytona 500, Juan Pablo Montoya drove his car into a jet dryer, causing a massive fireball. Maybe next time he won’t be texting.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Jon Sumple