The hottest topics for the week of November 13, 2011 …
Color me bad: The new Miami Marlins’ logo and look were unveiled last week – though it might be better to say that they came out of the closet.
Price fix: The Red Sox announced that next year they are keeping ticket prices the same – however, the price of beer in the clubhouse has skyrocketed.
Misery loves company: I’ve got a bad feeling about Philadelphia signing Jonathan Papelbon to be their closer next season. I’d rather watch the worst episode of “The Closer” on TNT – which is all of them.
Proof of life: Wilson Ramos was rescued from kidnappers in Venezuela. His captors left him unguarded when they realized he played for the Nationals.
Groin pains: The Rangers’ Josh Hamilton had sports hernia surgery. And so did the Diamondbacks’ Stephen Drew. That must’ve been one crazy weekend they had in Puerto Rico.
Moving on: In an interview this week, Jorge Posada said that he is done with the Yankees. He probably should have stopped after the word done.
Empty promises: New GM Dan Duquette has vowed to make the Orioles a contender. He’s also working on a perpetual energy source, a cancer cure and a definitive text on understanding women.
Short sell: Desperate for offense the Giants traded pitcher Jonathan Sanchez to the Royals for Melky Cabrera – leaving the Giants desperate for offense.
Are Yu kidding? There are rumors that Yu Darvish might decide to not be posted to the Major Leagues this year. I don’t really have a joke here. I just wanted to do the “Are Yu kidding?” thing.
Extra Innings
Penn State: The Jerry Sandusky allegations have cost coach Joe Paterno and school president Graham Spanier their jobs. But just imagine how much trouble they’d be in if they also bought a car for a running back.
Man down: The Texans lost starting QB Matt Schaub for the season and need a replacement. Rumor has it that they left a message to see if Brett Favre was available and he messaged them a “thumbs up” picture … At least we hope it was a thumb.
Hot for teacher: Some idiot let porn star Sasha Grey read to school children – literary choices included “The Wheels on the Bus,” “Curious George” and “The Man from Nantucket.”
The caboose is loose: Soon to be divorced Kris Humphries claims to have proof that Kim Kardashian’s rear-end is unnaturally augmented – just like her fame.
In theaters now: In “Jack & Jill” Adam Sandler plays both lead roles. Probably the last thing in the world I would ever think is that a movie needed more Adam Sandler.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz, Stephen Arenholtz
