Contributors: Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz
The hottest topics for the week of April 28, 2013 …
Flawless victory: The Astros snapped their losing skid and pounded New York pitcher Andy Pettitte. The Yankees aren’t sure what happened with Pettitte and are just waiting for the coroner’s report.
Miami heat: In a contest that could have gone either way on Monday, the Marlins prevailed over the Mets in a tight 15-inning matchup. Both Marlins fans were ecstatic!
Dodger blues: Frank McCourt’s ex-wife wants Dodgers divorce settlement tossed, as well as her salad, by an endless line of Cuban pool boys.
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Fast times: The Phillies activated Carlos Ruiz after his suspension for use of a banned amphetamine. But he immediately aroused suspicions when he stated, “Hey-guys-how’s-going-so-glad-to-be-here-missed-you-guys-let’s-get-out-there-hey-let’s-play-two!”
Wacky tobacky: Home plate umpire Brian O’Nora delayed a game so he could vomit after swallowing his chewing tobacco – and thinking about Rosie O’Donnell taking a shower.
More O’Nora: At first he made a gurgling, choking sound behind the plate and everyone just assumed he was calling a strike.
Do what works: John Lackey pitched for just the second time since Tommy John surgery – beating the Astros handily. The Red Sox were so encouraged they have already scheduled his next surgery.
Going south: The St. Louis Cardinals have demoted struggling left-handed reliever Marc Rzepczynski to the minor leagues to work on buying a vowel.
Little big man: David Price took an unusual route in complaining about an umpire swearing at him by telling his mommy.
Blues brothers: Dodgers prospect Yasiel Puig got arrested for speeding, reckless driving and driving without proof of insurance. Hey, that’s the same way GM Ned Colletti runs the team!
More Puig: Police say he went “almost double” the speed limit early Sunday and that he was the designated driver. We can only assume the passenger was Lindsay Lohan … Or Billy Joel, am I right, reader Ellen K. who last week chastised me for having the audacity to besmirch Mr. Joel’s good name?
Even More Puig: Reece Witherspoon called the arresting officer and demanded to know if he knew who she was!
Pride and prejudice: If Jason Collins is gay, then why did he choose a career where he’d touch, rub and hold other men all day and then have to shower with them?
More Jason Collins: A career backup center, Jason Collins became the first active player in a major American sport to admit that he’s gay. Man, it’s amazing the excuses people come up with to explain why they’re bad at something.
Even More Jason Collins: Jason Collins also announced the title of his upcoming autobiography: “Around the Rim and In!”
Plan B? The Lakers got swept out of the first round of the NBA playoffs for the first time in decades. During the fourth quarter, the good seats were all empty as B-list stars wandered around downtown L.A. looking for another way to be on TV.
More Lakers: Dwight Howard is now finally free to pursue his true passion: dance.
Yo, Adrian! A musical version of Rocky is headed to Broadway – the effects of Jason Collins’ announcement being felt immediately.
Catfishing: The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o in the second round. Or did they?!?
A separation: The gossip blogs are reporting that country music star Jason Aldean filed for divorce from his wife Jessica Ussery amid reports that even she had never heard of him.
99 problems: The founder of the 99 Cent Store passed away at 80 – 19 years short of his goal. The autopsy revealed he died from mistakenly using items from a 99 Cent Store.