New Year’s Resolutions for 2012

Happy New Year to all of you who read my column – the casual readers, the enthusiastic borderline cyber-stalkers and even the guys who just wound up here from Google because I typed “Justin Bieber STD scare” just now.

2011 was a heck of a year for me. But I’m not going to sit here and brag about all my successes because I know some of you out there had that really horrible thing happen at that place with that person this year – and it would just be rude of me to go around bragging about all the cool things from the last year.

To wrap things up for the year, some people like to do year-end lists. And I was going to do one of those, too, and it was going to be hilarious and awesome and also make you think a little about yourself and where you’re going in life. But I decided that it wouldn’t be such a good idea because I would probably be just too insightful and cause you to question everything that you do in every aspect of your life. [Editor’s note: Jed, are you sure you didn’t skip that idea because you put it off for too long and the year actually ended and you realized nobody really cares about a year-end list once the new year starts?] [Note to editor: Screw you, man.]

So, anyway, what I decided to do is take a look forward to the next year like most people do – I originally typed “moist” there, “moist people” – I don’t know what that would mean, but if it means what I hope it means, then I assume that moist people look forward to the next year even more so than the rest of us.

I know the headline said these are New Year’s resolutions, but these are going to be more about what other people can do to make themselves better. Resolutions are supposed to be more of a personal thing, but what the heck am I going to resolve to do? Be a nicer person? Offend people less? Comply with restraining orders? I think we all know none of that is going to happen this year.

But, I do have a few ideas of things other people can do to make themselves better and, more importantly, make me happy. And as the old saying goes: It is better to give advice than to receive it.

Ryan Braun – Be a little more careful.

Ryan, you are one of the league’s best hitters and you almost deserved the Most Valuable Player Award you got this year. However, this failed drug test is troubling. The rumors are flying that you were super-juiced or that you had a false positive due to some herpes medication. Either one of these shows you are just being too careless with either what you’re putting in your body or what you’re putting your body into. Let’s get it together, pal.

All professional athletes – Stay away from Kim Kardashian.

Athletes, I want to nip this in the bud. I know that dating is difficult, and with all of your newfound wealth, it’s hard to know which girls just want you for your money or your fame and so you have to look out for the red flags that warn you that a particular one might not be genuine. Just remember that if you see a girl at a party or other miscellaneous event and you think she’s hot and she’s checking you out and you think there might be some chemistry, if she utters the four words that are the reddest of all the red flags, “Hi, I’m Kim Kardashian,” use all of your God-given athletic talent to get out of there.

Carl Crawford – Don’t be worse than last year.

Ha! Ha! Just kidding. He couldn’t possibly be any worse than he was last year. Sometimes when a player gets a huge contract, his statistics will go down a little and by the end of it, the team that signed him regrets having made such a lucrative deal. And sometimes this regret even happens after the first year. The Red Sox regret started after about three weeks of Hot Carl’s 2011 performance. But, Jed, why are you calling him “Hot Carl” when he was very clearly cold all year? Oh, trust me, reader, people who know what a Hot Carl is know exactly why I am calling him Hot Carl. If you don’t know, Google it and you’ll see how right I am.

Derek Jeter – Put a ring on it.

Oh, the world wide Internet is abuzz that Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly are rekindling their romance, while they also use toys like a phone controlled vibrator just for this. Oh, gosh, wouldn’t that just be delightful if those two kids found a way to work things out? How dare you assume the timing on this rumor has everything to do with Jeter’s public relations problem involving post-coitus signed baseballs and Minka Kelly having her show cancelled and now hoping to get a new show during TV’s “pilot season”!?! I’m kind of a romantic myself and think this is all very sweet.

Lindsay Lohan – Slow it down.

What’s that movie where there’s an out-of-control train where the accelerator is stuck at full speed? Oh, right, all train movies. Anyway, Lindsay is like one of those trains. She’s putting together one of the more tragic life-stories in Hollywood history except she’s doing it in Cliff’s Notes form. It seems like only yesterday she was this bright shining star on the rise with a pleasant enough combination of looks, charm and acting skill. Okay, it doesn’t seem like yesterday. It seems like a hundred years ago. Drugs, temporary lesbianism, prison, more drugs, Playboy … Lindsay, get your foot off the accelerator, there’s no prize for getting to the end of your life faster than everyone else.

Manny Ramirez – Stop being like Brett Favre.

First Manny retired after failing another drug test and then he unretired and wants to get back into the game he loves. I guess it’s okay if he does it once. Manny has some image problems to deal with but if does this retiring thing over and over, even his biggest fans will turn against him, just like with Favre. I can only hope that this doesn’t lead to Manny doing Wrangler commercials and texting people pictures of his undersized penis.

Albert Pujols – It’s time for a name change.

Look, Al, I love your name. Pujols is the most fun name in sports today. I know you’ve had it for your whole life (however long that actually has been). But, if my name was Jed Diarrhea and someone gave me $250 million, the first thing I would do after skinny dipping in a swimming pool full of tapioca pudding is I’d change my name – maybe not to Jed Rigney, but to something that doesn’t make people think of my anus. If you don’t change it, then I am going to be forced to start calling your team the Los Angeles Anals of Anaheim.

National Defense Authorization Act – Um, no comment.

The United States government has recently passed this law and one of the tiny, unimportant things it has buried among its voluminous pages is a tiny, unimportant clause which says that the U.S. Military can decide that any American citizen is a terrorist and lock them up forever with no trial. I would say something snarky about this, but the U.S. Military can decide that any American citizen is a terrorist and lock them up forever with no trial.

All celebrity couples – Let’s work things out.

Last year was a rough one for celebrity couples as a whole. Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore and Katy Perry & Russell Brand and Scarlett Johansson & Ryan Reynolds all filed for divorce. I know celebrities are people, too, and I think that maybe even one or two of these ones I mentioned were a little bit upset at their marriages ending in 2011. But, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be remarried in 2012 … just in time to be divorced in 2013.

Frank McCourt – Go away.

If you’ve read any of my columns before, then you know I don’t like Frank very much. Also, if you’ve read the Internet, then you know that everybody doesn’t like Frank very much. I don’t want to jinx anything here, but it looks like he might actually be amputated from the Dodgers’ organization by the start of the season. And then he’ll spend the rest of his life as “Who? Oh, that guy!”

If just some of these resolutions happened, then it would make 2012 a better year for almost everyone. And that’s what I want for everyone (almost everyone – you know who you are).

Of course, the guys I’m most concerned about are the Mayans. This is really a make or break year for them. If we make it to 2013, then we’re all going to laugh so hard at those silly Mayans. But, if we don’t and the world comes to an end, those guys are going to be so stoked that they were right.

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