The hottest topics for the week of March 18, 2012 …
No country for old men: Andy Pettitte has come out of retirement to play for the Yankees. He warmed up with Brett Favre after having burgers with Michael Jordan cooked on a George Forman grill.
Back to school: Much-ballyhooed Nationals prospect Bryce Harper will start the season in triple-A for a little seasoning – to give him time to heal his pulled groin and enlarged ego.
Mets win! The New York Mets settled their court case and only have to pay $162 million to Madoff fraud victims – a lot less than first thought – great news for the team that is now just really, really in debt instead of really, really, really.
Bad hops: Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera left a game after he was hit in the face when a groundball ate him up. This was quite a shock. He’s usually the one doing all the eating.
Artful Dodger: Vin Scully reduced his schedule for announcing Dodgers games in the ’12 season. At his age, he really needs to cut down on traveling, unhealthy eating and watching bad baseball.
Cutoff man: The Marlins’ Jose Reyes got his dreadlocks cut off to conform with team rules and to appease his wife … Now, who the hell is going to play the next Predator?!
Lucky 13: Octavio Dotel is about to set a major-league record by playing for his 13th different team. This guy is the Larry King of baseball. (Because Larry King has been divorced a lot – screw you, this joke is staying in!)
It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world: The NCAA basketball tournament started off slow last week, but then two 15-seeds won on the second day. Next up: forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together … mass hysteria!
Slow white Bronco: Denver is the winner of the Manningstakes! It looked like Peyton was going to the 49ers, but then John Elway swooped in and convinced him to join the Mile High club.
Wherefore art thou, Tebow? Manning’s signing means that Tim Tebow is out. But, rest assured, he will be resurrected. Verily.
pOWNed: Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show got cancelled by Oprah’s network. Smart move. They really should just focus on shows with women.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz