I would like to thank the main contributors who have helped me throughout the last year who are therefore partially to blame for all of this.
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Also, thanks to Justin Workman, Brian Solari, Sepp Thor, Nick Astrupgaard, Jon Sumple, Ben Fiandaca, Grant Klein for their additional (though decidedly less substantial) contributions.
The hottest topics for the week of August 12, 2012 …
Hall of shame: When asked if he was a Hall of Famer, Barry Bonds said emphatically, “No doubt!” But clearly he’s not factoring in getting his giant head through the front door.
Bird-brained: The Orioles called up top prospect Manny Machado earlier than most expected because they want to get the 20-year-old used to the major league experience of playing and the Baltimore experience of losing.
San Diego zoo: The Padres, a team that tests the limits of what it means to be a professional franchise, signed Mark Kotsay to an overpriced, unnecessary contract extension – forcing all other teams to continue to not ever think about signing him.
More San Diego: The new management plan is clear: If you stand close enough to the stadium they just might give you a contract.
Pitch imperfect: Reaching a new low, the Yankees signed Derek Lowe to bolster their struggling pitching staff. I’ve got a sinking feeling about this move … See, because Derek is a sinker-ball pitcher? (Zach, I told you no one would get that.)
More Lowe: Lowe signing with the Yankees is keeping with ownership’s directive of keeping salary down … by using a senior discount.
Strike force: 16-year-old Japanese pitcher Yuki Matsui struck out a record 22 batters during a high school baseball tournament. But his parents were still very disappointed.
Day gig: After months away, the Rays finally got Evan Longoria back in their lineup. They say it’s because he recovered from his injury, but we all know it’s because “Desperate Housewives” finished filming.
Beer league: Milwaukee Brewers’ pitcher Randy Wolf threw a 49 MPH pitch in an actual game – giving renewed hope to “that guy” at weekend softball who thinks he can still “bring it.” Yeah, dude, we all know that you were scouted in high school. We only let you play because your wife brings drinks and you have an extra glove.
Olympic Games: Usain Bolt won gold in the 100m and the 200m. So I guess we should’ve just given him the gold in the 135m and the 177m as well.
More Olympics: Those gymnasts are such incredible athletes and they are so freaking cute. Also, the girls aren’t bad either.
Super-villain: Dwight Howard backed out of a Kids Camp appearance to finalize his Lakers trade, but, no, Lebron James is totally the villain.
Head strong: Chad Ochocinco Johnson got cut by the Miami Dolphins after he was arrested over the weekend for headbutting his new wife. “Arrested? Hmm … interesting,” said the Detroit Lions.
Poop music: Taylor Swift released her new single “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” and it went straight to the top of the charts. Watch out next month when she releases “We Are Never Ever Ever Ever Getting Back Together.”
Friend in need: I saw part of Matthew Perry’s new show on NBC and I think we need to find a way to get him back on drugs.
Caressing carousel: Jennifer Aniston got engaged to Justin Theroux. So I guess “Theroux” is French for “The Next.”
Accessorizing: Kristin Cavallari has a baby boy and says she loves him even more than her Louboutin heels … but obviously not as much as her Fendi purse.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz