Contributors: Jon Sender, Stephen Arenholtz, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Eliza Bayne
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The hottest topics for the week of February 24, 2013 …
Spring has sprung: Spring training games begin, even though it’s technically still winter. Of all the question marks looming over professional baseball, this is the most glaring: When will the cover-ups in Major League Baseball end?
Take off, you hoser: The Canadian baseball team won’t have Russell Martin in the WBC. The team is expected to make the formal announcement next week with 45 uninterrupted minutes of “I’m sorry” – which is also the Canadian National Anthem.
Arms race: In a fluke injury, the Yankees’ Curtis Granderson broke his arm being hit by a bad pitch that he surprisingly didn’t swing at.
More Granderson: Rumor has it that the break actually occurred in a fight club, which means someone has broken at least the first two rules of fight club.
More Yankees: The New York Yankees are officially baseball’s only “Evil Empire,” as decreed by a judge. And to make it really, really official, they’re going to give Curtis Granderson a mechanical arm.
Spin city: Jeffrey Loria took out a full-page ad in several South Florida newspapers to defend himself and the actions of the team. No word yet as to what the response is from the Marlins fan.
The ring didn’t mean a thing: Alex Rodriguez’s steroid-providing cousin is selling his replica 2009 World Series ring that boasts “a staggering 95 diamonds.” And if the ring is too heavy for you to lift, A-Rod’s cousin can also help you bulk up fast.
More A-Rod: In an attempt to resurrect his image, A-Rod has announced that he no longer has any cousins.
Two-way players: The Padres added soccer drills to their spring training camp. They’re going to try to be awful in two sports this year.
I heart NY: In a surprising move, the Mets announced LHP Pedro Feliciano is out for two weeks with a heart issue – not surprising considering a heart issue will sideline the whole team.
Are you kidding me? The Los Angeles Dodgers were disappointed to learn that Ryu Hyun-Jin’s first name is pronounced Ree-YOO – causing them to scrap their “Ryu Ready?!?” t-shirt, hat and beer cozy campaign.
Running man: South African Paralympian Oscar Pistorius has been arrested for allegedly murdering his girlfriend. Guilty or innocent, this trial is going to cost him an arm and a l– … um … another arm?
More Pistorius: The judge granted bail to Oscar Pistorius because he’s not a flight risk … unless he uses his rocket blades!
Tragic timing: Actress Diane Lane signed divorce papers from Josh Brolin on Valentine’s Day – which is probably also the plot of her next terrible movie.
Crash into me: A horrific multi-car crash marred the end of the Daytona Nationwide race on Saturday. At least 10 cars were involved in the fiery, violent collision that endangered many lives. So, yeah, the fans were very pleased.
Hit the road! The National Hockey League’s new realignment plan ships Detroit to the east. Michigan immediately inquired about how they can do the same.
Just friends: Erin Andrews dodged a kiss from 50 Cent on live television much better than 50 Cent dodged bullets.
Oscar (not Pistorius) Night!
Quentin Tarantino won the award for Best Original Screenplay at the 85th Oscars. In his acceptance speech, he graciously thanked Quentin Tarantino for the award.
On her way to accept her Oscar award for Best Actress, Jennifer Lawrence tripped on her gown. “Ha ha ha! What a loser!” proclaimed people watching at home eating microwave burritos.
Anne Hathaway always looks like she’s unwrapping a gift that she already knows what it is.
Argo won for Best Picture – and Director Ben Affleck decided to mark the occasion by getting rid of his “lucky beard” and also his facial hair.