The hottest topics for the week of July 1, 2012 …
Fried fish: Former Marlins star pitcher Dontrelle Willis has decided to retire from baseball at just 30 years old. The game will miss his vibrant personality, infectious smile and meatball home run pitches.
Tummy ache: Red Sox starter Clay Buchholz was hospitalized with severe esophagitis and intestinal bleeding. He said that it was a really scary experience. Esophagus? Intestines? Of course it was scary – I’ve seen Prometheus!
Oldie but goodie: Yankees’ pitcher Andy Pettitte had been enjoying a surprisingly successful return from retirement, but then a line drive broke Pettitte’s hip. Ankle! I meant ankle!
Yard sale: Hall of Famer Jim Palmer is auctioning off his Cy Young trophies and some of his Gold Gloves. So, you can get your own Gold Glove just by winning an auction – which is a lot more than Derek Jeter ever did.
Staying put: The Dodgers tried to acquire the Astros’ big-eating Carlos Lee, but he has a no-trade clause, which he exercised after much deliberation – the most exercising he’s done all season.
The money tree: Not content with overpaying Andre Ethier, the Dodgers have signed Cuban Yasiel Puig to a $40M+ deal. Boy, Ned Colletti is doing a fine job running the team. Oh, sorry. Ruining the team.
More Dodgers: They also hired Mickey Hatcher, recently fired by the Angels for being a bad hitting coach, to be a special assistant. Man, if you’re in Los Angeles and not getting paid by the Dodgers, you’re doing something wrong.
Brew crew stews: Reds’ closer Aroldis Chapman got the save against the Brewers and celebrated with a couple of somersaults. Milwaukee, a team that choreographs home run celebrations, was rightfully infuriated.
Five is enough: U.S. Swimmer Dara Torres, 45, missed out on qualifying for her sixth Olympic team. However, the Baltimore Orioles have signed her to a minor-league pitching contract.
Congratulations! Spain won soccer. I guess.
New number two: Tiger Woods moved into second place in PGA tour wins – and first in line at Crazy Girls.
Out and about: Anderson Cooper has come out as gay and says he couldn’t be more happy – as if we don’t know what gay means.
Yoga means union: Alec Baldwin married his yoga instructor who is half his age – a move I like to call “the Downward Dirty Old Dog.”
Pet peeve: PETA is mad at Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson for designing a $17K fur backpack – probably because it does not include a rocket.
In theaters now: I can only hope that Magic Mike picks up where Showgirls left off as a commentary on humanity’s existential crisis and our inherent duality.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Glen Hentz