Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of May 26, 2013 …
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Dropping gloves: Reds manager Dusty Baker says he thinks that MLB players should settle beefs with NHL-style fights. And he’d like us to all just start calling him Gary Busey from now on.
Speed racer: Angel Pagan hit an inside-the-park, walk-off home run in an exhibition of athleticism that has inspired me to think of better excuses for not exercising.
Spitting image: Marlins pitcher Alex Sanabia said he didn’t know it was wrong when he was caught spitting on a ball in a game. Then he explained, “I thought it was a good thing. Fans in South Beach do it to us all the time.”
MVP debate: Last week, the Angels’ Mike Trout hit for the cycle in a game: a single, a double, a triple and a home run. Not to be out-done, Miguel Cabrera had a cycle of his own: a burger, a burrito, a pizza and a banana cream pie.
Getting to first base: Mark Teixeira is set to return to the Yankees from a rehab assignment. But the team has not announced what his next injury will be.
Rinsing Arizona: Diamondbacks’ pitcher Ian Kennedy is out after cutting his finger doing dishes. With the money he makes, you’d think he would have bought a dishwasher. Especially in Arizona – they’re coming across the border every day.
Picking a winner: Curtis Granderson broke his pinkie when he was hit by a pitch. His nose is fine.
Hello and good-bye: The Cleveland Cavaliers won the NBA Draft Lottery. No word yet on exactly who they plan on picking to leave their team three years from now.
Ball handler: On Sunday night, Robbie Rogers played his first game with the Los Angeles Galaxy. This makes him the first active openly gay male athlete to compete in an American professional team sport – so of course it had to be soccer.
Girl crazy: Amanda Bynes was arrested for drug possession and throwing a bong out her window. She explained to the press that it was all a misunderstanding and there’s no need to worry because she has plenty more bongs.
More Bynes: Soon after, train wreck extraordinaire Courtney Love tweeted at Amanda, “Get it together dude.” No joke. Just utter fascination at the worm hole that has been created.
Even more Bynes: Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan’s problems have me really concerned for Dora the Explorer.
From contributor Atman Thakrar: As usual, Memorial Day weekend showed a huge spike in the number of pale, obese white people having cookouts, drinking PBRs and making racist comments towards their brown neighbor.
From Jed Rigney: Hey, man, I am pretty offended because I am overweight and white and also curious how you were listening in on my cookout.