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Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of December 30, 2012 …
Happy New Year: 2012 retired and 2013 was called up; 83% of the BBWA has already said they won’t vote for 2012 in its first year of eligibility.
Hatchet man: Some birds’ feathers are just too bright. They aren’t meant to be caged. Now that Ugueth Urbina is free from prison, he says he wants to get back on the field to play baseball … but what he really wants to do is dance.
Bought in Cleveland: The Indians sold their TV network to Fox Sports Media Group … for some colored beads and pox-infested blankets.
Mismatch: The Cardinals have hired heavyset, weak-hitting former catcher Bengie Molina as their assistant hitting coach. Wait! Is this a Kevin James movie?
Deck the halls: Andruw Jones was arrested on Christmas Day after dragging his wife down a flight of stairs and saying he wanted to kill her. In my family that’s a Christmas Eve thing.
More Andruw: Of course, the weak-hitting Jones was dragging her … because if he took a swing, he would’ve missed.
Can’t catch me: Carlton Fisk pleaded guilty to DUI and missing the glory days.
Tokyo warning: Former Yankees outfielder Hideki “Godzilla” Matsui has decided to retire and is heading back to Japan – but not before putting on his rubber suit one last time.
End of games: The Red Sox traded with the Pirates for struggling “All-Star” Joel Hanrahan to be their closer – who is just slightly better than Kyra Sedgwick.
Payback: “America’s Team” the Cowboys will not be going to the playoffs this year after losing to the Redskins – who are named after America’s first team.
Little big men: The New York Giants have been eliminated from the NFL playoffs, but according to ESPN, this is when the team really thrives.
Lesson learned: The New Orleans Saints have given Sean Payton a contract extension. Oddly, it doesn’t include incentives for beating other teams or knocking them out of the playoffs.
Knocked up: Rapper Kanye West announced that girlfriend Kim Kardashian is pregnant with their child. No word from Ryan Seacrest yet whether the baby has its own reality show or not.
More Kimye: After news of the pregnancy broke, Kim began talks for a new book: “What to Exploit When You’re Expecting.”
Making sweet music: Kate Winslet married businessman Ned RocknRoll. Now if only Steve “Scatman” Jazz and Gary Dubstep of Skree Woop Woop Skree Manor could find love.
Strike a pose: Taylor Swift and boyfriend Harry Styles were seen exchanging a midnight kiss at the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve in Times Square. And now the countdown has begun for the ball to drop on their relationship.
Three of a kind: Matthew McConaughey and his wife had their third child together. They’ve named the baby Alright – to join its older siblings Alright and Alright.
50-year itch: The FBI’s files on Marilyn Monroe have been made public. But don’t get too excited, it’s mostly just doodles of guys with big boners.
Fools on the hill: The House finally voted to approve the Senate’s fiscal cliff bill. For the common American, this means you no longer have to pretend to know what “fiscal cliff” means.