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The hottest topics for the week of January 13, 2012 …
Something fishy: First there was the Miami Vice logo and now the Miami Marlins announced they’re replacing the Mermaids cheerleading squad with an acrobatic break-dancing squad. Who is running this team, the ’80s?
What a relief! The Blue Jays signed Darren Oliver to a one-year deal for 2012 with an option for 2013. Which is great news for the rest of the world because Darren helped carve the first Mayan calendar.
On the move: Major League Baseball is making progress in moving the A’s to San Jose. Getting a new stadium will be tough, but the hard part is getting that many white people out of Oakland without getting mugged.
Royal with cheese: Kansas City signed third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff to a minor-league deal. But, come on, aren’t all Kansas City deals minor-league ones?
Reunited: Jorge Posada has decided to retire – finally joining his throwing arm which retired five years ago.
Money ball: Last year, the Mets lost over $70 million, but they swear they’re not going bankrupt. Now they’ve hired the firm that worked with the bankrupt Texas Rangers. The firm’s first order of business will be to explain what the word “bankrupt” means.
On second thought: Melvin Mora had originally announced his retirement so he could spend more time with his family. After two weeks he decided to un-retire, so he could spend less time with his family.
Tiger blood alcohol: Detroit star Miguel Cabrera pleaded no contest to drunken driving, accepting a deal that spares him jail time. Charges of resisting an officer and having an open container were dropped. This actually happened to a guy I know, just kidding, he wasn’t a star athlete and he went to jail.
NFL playoffs: The New York Giants, who almost didn’t even make the playoffs, crushed the 15-1 Packers last week. Cheese heads? More like melted cheese heads, right? And also this isn’t a funny joke.
Maddening: Every Frank Caliendo impression is just John Madden doing an impression of somebody else.
By a hair: Golfer Johnson Wagner and his mustache won the Sony Open Golf. (Admittedly, this would be funnier if a picture of him popped up right as you read this.) [Editor: See what we do for you, Jed?]
Tattoo you: Like a true rock ‘n’ roller, Justin Bieber got another tattoo. This one is of Jesus. And it’s on his calf, looking up. I’m not sure the Son of God would be too happy about looking up Justin’s skirt, I mean, shorts.
Oscar buzz: In the movie “Albert Nobbs,” actress Glenn Close plays a woman pretending to be a man. … And I was just getting used to her playing a woman.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Glen Hentz, Jon Sumple, Stephen Arenholtz