Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jeffrey Stauffer, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of January 27, 2013 …
Bro-united, and it feels so good: Justin Upton was traded to Atlanta and will share the outfield with his brother B.J. The Braves announced the brothers will have to share it nicely or neither of them gets to use it.
More Uptons: The Braves are now in talks to sign Kate Upton.
Wishful thinking: Yankees GM Brian Cashman stated that Alex Rodriguez is possibly out for the year, then mumbled, “or the rest of his contract … Please, God! Please, God! Please, God!”
More Yankees: Cashman also announced that, in order to maintain the level of drama A-Rod brought to the team, he’ll be replaced by Taylor Swift.
Money talks: Time Warner Cable won the rights to Los Angeles Dodgers games in a deal for $7 billion. Now, maybe they can finally start spending some money.
I’ll eat to that! Heavyset free agent Delmon Young signed with the Philadelphia Phillies. As part of the negotiations, Young demanded that, while playing in the outfield, someone delivers him cheesesteaks.
More Young: Most other teams weren’t interested in signing Delmon because he’s overweight and almost never takes a walk – which already makes him an honorary resident of Philadelphia.
Seeing red: Major League Baseball has announced that Cincinnati has been awarded the 2015 All-Star Game. Be sure to get your commemorative bulletproof vest!
Say what?! During a recent interview, Sammy Sosa said he and Mark McGwire belong in the Hall of Fame, a shocking statement since he said it in English, a language he was unable to speak when testifying in front of Congress over PED use.
Back in balk: The ol’ fake-to-third-throw-to-first move is now considered by MLB to be a balk – in addition to being considered by fans to be horsecrap.
More fake-to-third-throw-to-first move: Somewhere, umpire Bob Davidson is nude, covered in cocoa butter and fully aroused.
Harbowl: Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers? Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers? Did you know John and Jim Harbaugh are brothers?
More Super Bowl: You also may have heard that this will probably be Ray Lewis’ last professional game. I don’t know what he’s going to do after his career, but he’ll probably get acquitted.
Self-inflicted: Boston’s Rajon Rondo tore his ACL and will miss the rest of what’s been a disappointing Celtics’ season – reminds me of the time I “got the flu” when my parents tried to take me to Cirque du Soleil.
Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi: Star Trek director J.J. Abrams has been selected to direct Star Wars: Episode VII. Because it’s not hard enough to tell Star Wars and Star Trek apart.
More Star Wars: Really wish it was Tim Burton directing the new Star Wars movie so he could cast Johnny Depp as everyone.
Gettin’ loose: Dick Van Dyke received a lifetime achievement award at the SAG Awards for his prolific career and because at his age, everything sags.
Dropping beats: Chris Brown is in the news again for being violent – this time for punching singer Frank Ocean. Look, let’s give Chris a break. No, seriously, give him anything he wants or you could be his next victim.
1 Broke Girl: Casey Anthony is now filing for bankruptcy. If she’s guilty of anything, it’s mismanaging her finances (and probably murder).
Love bugs: Burt Reynolds was in the hospital ICU battling the flu. And it just so happened that Barbara Walters was also hospitalized with the flu. Classic Burt.