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Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of September 30, 2012 …
Tiger blood: The Tigers have won their division and Detroit fans are clamoring for Miguel Cabrera to win the MVP Award. I would totally support this if the “P” in MVP stood for pizza.
More Cabrera: Despite his inferior defense and laughable baserunning, Miggy has been gaining supporters – and with his body, he’ll need a lot.
More Cabrera: When asked what he would do with the MVP Award if he wins, Miggy replied, “Probably deep fry it.”
End of the line: The Los Angeles Dodgers are facing elimination from the playoffs with any loss or a Cardinals win on the last two days. But LA fans are unanimous in their support: “Go Lakers!”
Cramping my style: Mark Teixeira rejoined the Yankees on Monday after returning from a painful cramp in his calf – which was determined to be menstrual.
Giant blunder: San Francisco stated that after returning from his PED suspension Melky Cabrera will not be allowed to join them in any playoff games – as a matter of principle. But they sure hope Barry Bonds will throw out the first pitch.
Astronomical task: Houston chose Bo Porter to manage their awful team next year – because of an ability to work with young players, a broad insight about the intricacies of the game and a very high tolerance for pain.
Cleveland Sox? Former Red Sox manager Terry Francona is going to interview with Indians’ about their open position. All he needs to do is tell them, “I am not Bobby Valentine.”
McDivorce McCourt: The McCourts are back in court as Jamie has accused Frank of fraudulently misrepresenting his assets. Her filing also claims that the sky is blue and that bears poop in the woods.
Model of consistency: After the Pirates clinched their 20th consecutive losing season, the owner’s frustration was obvious when he said, “aaaarrrrrhh!”
Money ballers: The Oakland Athletics have clinched a playoff spot for the first time since Brad Pitt reminded us they existed.
Don’t call it a comeback: After seven years coming back from getting hit in the head in his only Major League plate appearance, Adam Greenberg signed a one-day contract with last-place Miami to try to get an official at-bat. This is a lovely story – unless he gets hit again!
Playoff bound: Major League Baseball is considering renaming the Baltimore Orioles as the Baltimore In-Laws – because they won’t go away.
Bat man: Athletics pitcher Dallas Braden yelled at the Stockton police chief while carrying a bat during an anti-crime rally. I guess the police chief must have stepped on Braden’s pitching mound! Get it? Because of that thing a couple years ago where he got upset at ARod? Whatever. I got the joke and I thought it was hilarious!
Lockout ends: The NFL finally reached a deal with the real refs, relieving the replacement refs of their duties and allowing them to work their original jobs – working for the Romney campaign.
More refs: The real refs returned to the field Thursday night and got a standing ovation before the game and then got right back to the business of being awful at their jobs.
Golf clap: In the Ryder Cup finale Sunday, the American team had a huge lead and then, just like when a Euro dude swoops in on a girl you’ve been working on all night, the Europeans stole the victory.
Belieb it or not: Justin Bieber threw up on stage during a performance in Arizona. Fans didn’t really notice, though, since it sounded a lot like track #4 from his new album.
Drug traffic: Amanda Bynes pleaded not guilty to the driving charges against her, claiming it was actually hit-and-FUN.
It’s not a rumor: In a recent 60 Minutes interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger expressed regret over his affair but declined to pinpoint which one.
Coming to theaters: I’m not sure why they just called it Taken 2 when they could have used Taken: To the Limit or Taken It the Wrong Way or even Had Been Taken.