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Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of December 23, 2012 …
Second thoughts: The Red Sox and Mike Napoli have not finalized their $39 million deal, allegedly because he has a hip issue. Or maybe they just realized he was Mike Napoli.
Clubhouse guy: The Indians have signed Nick Swisher. It’s a great fit for both parties: He’s terrible in the postseason and they’re not going to the postseason.
More Swisher: Nick will be heading to his home state of Ohio. His family hopes being in his home state will make up for how little he’ll be reaching home base.
Dream catcher: A.J. Pierzynski signed with the Texas Rangers and plans on giving George W. Bush a run for Most Hated Man from Texas.
Soft heads: Pitchers will try playing with padded hats next year. It was a compromise from the proposed inflatable sumo suits.
Con err: A man was ordered to pay a $25,000 fine for selling a fake Babe Ruth glove. The man will need to come up with an extra $5,000 after making $20,000 selling volcano insurance to senior citizens in North Dakota.
Bourn to death: What kind of a world do we live in where someone as talented as Michael Bourn can’t get a job and “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” gets renewed for yet another season?
More Bourn: In a strange twist of fate, after this disappointing offseason, this Bourn is trying to erase his memories.
Man crush: There’s a new exhibit at the Louisville Slugger Museum: “Baseball Hotties: Studs We Love” – I don’t know who came up with this idea, but … He. Is. Fabulous!
Going the distance: Former Olympic runner Suzy Favor-Hamilton revealed that she’s been a $600-an-hour escort, but did it as a coping mechanism. Damnit! That’s the excuse Lindsay Lohan was planning to use next year.
More Favor-Hamilton: This is the biggest disgrace to women’s sports since every WNBA game.
@TerribleCoach: The Tennessee Titans were held to less than 200 total yards by the Packers on Sunday, causing many in Nashville to finally call into question head coach Mike Munchak’s “Ask Twitter” style of play calling.
InterNOT: So, now there’s a sex tape video featuring former NFL star Chad Johnson. Ochocinco? More like Oh-So-Kinko!
Gun control: Why does the NRA say it wants a national database of the mentally ill when there is already Twitter?
And you are? TIME magazine named President Obama as its Person of the Year, to which the President said: “I had no idea TIME magazine was still in publication.”
Bethany never after: Reality TV star and all-around horrible person Bethanny Frankel is separating from Jason Hoppy, her husband of two years. She said the move brings her “great sadness,” but hopefully, also, “great ratings.”
More Bethany: Although the split seems to be amicable, family members are not hoppy.
Blowing up: Miley Cyrus was spotted getting in a car Sunday with an X-rated, anatomically ready blowup doll. But you probably know her better as Paris Hilton.