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Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz
The hottest topics for the week of September 23, 2012 …
The Pitts: After a very promising start, the Pirates tailspin continues and they just keep losing. They’re like the Lindsay Lohan of teams – except the Pirates are sure to be around next year.
Anaheim-lich maneuver: Despite a disappointing season, the Angels announced that next season manager Mike Scioscia will definitely be returning – as the Rally Monkey.
Batting chump: Suspended earlier in the season for PED use, Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from batting title award. For some people it’s really all about integrity.
Staying power: Orioles have won 16 extra-inning games in a row. With this kind of stamina, forget about steroids. Check these guys for Viagra.
Ranger danger: Texas outfielder Josh Hamilton missed some games because of vision problems caused by an undetermined “illness.” Vision problems, huh? Maybe next time just try a field sobriety test.
Double talk: When asked about manager Ozzie Guillen, Marlins’ struggling pitcher Heath Bell said, “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face” – to a radio host not named Ozzie Guillen.
Man or machine: After coming out of retirement and then returning from injury, Andy Pettitte pitched the Yankees to a win. When asked how he felt, he replied, “I’ll be back!” Then asked if anyone knew where someone named Sarah Connor lived.
NFL replacement refs rant: NBC is proud to announce it’s newest reality competition, “So You Think You Can Officiate an NFL Game?”
Look, I’m not saying the officiating has been bad, but they tried to call Aaron Rodgers for traveling.
Text “Offsides” to 90099 to donate one NFL rule book to a replacement official in need today!
Lindsay Lohan rant: Lindsay was arrested for hitting a pedestrian with her car then fleeing the scene. In her defense, she thought it was her sponsor.
Welp, Amanda Bynes, looks like the speed ball is in your court.
Apparently, Dina Lohan’s parenting book is just some drink recipes and clothing receipts glued together with a piece of chewed up Hubba Bubba.
It’s a major award: The Emmy’s. What a pathetic show of narcissistic self-promotion. Be sure to follow me on Twitter at @glenyrd! [Joke submitted by Glen, so he gets the free Twitter plug.]
More Emmys: Actor Jon Cryer won an Emmy for Two and a Half Men – the first time (and probably not the last) an actor has won an award as reparations for having worked with Charlie Sheen.
Airport shuttle: This week the space shuttle Endeavor arrived in California to be put on display – a symbol of the USA at its finest: a bankrupt state spending $30 million on something that doesn’t work.