Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of November 11, 2012 …
Kids incorporated: Mike Trout and Bryce Harper have been named Rookies of the Year. They are two of the youngest players to ever receive the awards and they celebrated by staying up past their bedtimes for a pizza party with sparkling apple cider, a magician and pony rides.
More Trout and Harper: No comment from either on what each wants to do when they grow up.
It’s for the best: The Mets and Jason Bay have terminated their contract a year early. Jason seems to be recovering okay, and the Mets have already been seen around town kanoodling with younger players.
Texas hold ’em: The Rangers have stated that, when it comes to free-agent Josh Hamilton, they would sign him for a maximum of three more years – after that they have to cut him off.
International man: Johnny Damon is going to play for Team Thailand in World Baseball Classic because his mother is part Thai. Also, Prince Fielder will play for Team Ireland because he once had a Shepard’s Pie.
Mr. Big Stuff: Miguel Cabrera was voted the top player by big leaguers. He was also voted the big player by top leaguers.
Korean my wayward son: Dodgers bid $25 million for the opportunity to waste at least $25 million on a South Korean pitcher.
Big Mac’s special sauce: Mark McGwire was hired as the Dodgers new hitting coach. They’re hoping that, with his track record, he’ll be a real performance enhancer.
More McGwire: Mark says he’s excited to join the team, and he plans to talk to each player on the team to schedule their cream application classes.
Flake show: The Los Angeles Lakers fired coach Mike Brown and hired Mike D’Antoni after a panic-inducing 1-4 start. Jack Nicholson and Diane Cannon were starting to hyperventilate in their courtside seats – something had to be done.
Dog show: If you’re wondering why your dog has been acting so happy lately, on Sunday, the Eagles’ Michael Vick was knocked out of the game with a concussion.
State of the game: The Jacksonville Jaguars lost to the Indianapolis Colts by 17 points – but Florida is still counting and Karl Rove refuses to concede the game.
Not alright, alright, alright: Have you seen these new photos of a super skinny Matthew McConaughey? Looks like he’s going to need a whole new wardrobe of no shirts.
Bleibe it or not: Selena Gomez has reportedly broken up with Justin Beiber, prompting many to wonder: which girl will she date next?
Tickle monster: Kevin Clash, the puppeteer for Sesame Street’s Elmo, is facing allegations he had a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old boy. Clash claims that it’s a misunderstanding and he thought he was just putting his hand inside the puppet.
Secret disservice: After putting a Native American-style headdress on a model for its annual fashion show, Victoria’s Secret has apologized for being insensitive and for reminding people that Native Americans still exist.
Election Day: Barack Obama was re-elected as president of United States, defeating Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Both candidates spent about a billion dollars each on their campaigns – proving they’re both ready to handle the nation’s finances.
More Election: People from all branches of the media are really excited that Obama won. I just hope he’s better than the ineffective president that he’s replacing.
Female body investigators: David Petraeus resigned from the Central Intelligence Agency after an affair – proving that even the CIA is no match for TNA.