The hottest topics for the week of March 12, 2012 …
Brown noser: Jonathan Papelbon says Phillies fans are smarter than Red Sox fans. But are they dumb enough to believe him?
No way: A Mexican baseball league banned Jose Canseco because he refused a doping test – of course, in Mexico, it’s a test to make sure that you are doping.
More Canseco: The person who signed up Canseco in the first place is who needs to be tested for drugs.
Terrible towel: David Price hurt his neck toweling off his head in the dugout. The Rays’ bat boys have been ordered to remove the pillows from his room as a precaution.
More Price: When you have the kind of arm strength that David has, it makes a lot of things quite dangerous. But this does help explain his frequent groin injuries.
What’s in a name? Miami’s Mike Stanton says he wants to be called Giancarlo now. He’s also now insisting on wearing gold chains, dousing himself with aftershave and driving a Camaro.
Stay classy: Bruce Bochy kicked an opposing team’s scout out of the stadium during a Giants’ practice. Bochy didn’t want him to see the new Statue of Liberty play to help boost the offense.
Yes, I realize this is insensitive: In an earthquake charity game, Japan toppled Taiwan in a match that was shaky at first but then brought a tidal wave of relief to fans.
Intervention: Weak-hitting outfielder Jason Pridie got a 50-game suspension for violating baseball’s drug policy – for a “drug of abuse,” not a performance enhancer. Jason, it’s time to get clean, re-focus your life and get on some steroids already.
Dating game: Peyton Manning is traveling the country as a free agent being wooed by a wide variety of teams – like a recently divorced guy trying to show his ex-wife (Colts) he’s still got it by hooking up with floozies (Broncos), tramps (Titans) and bimbos (Dolphins).
Baby weight: It kind of looks like Jessica Simpson is pregnant with twins … or triplets … or another Jessica Simpson.
Mars attacked: The $250-million John Carter may turn out to be the biggest disaster in movie history. But only because last year’s Red Sox weren’t a movie.
More John Carter: Of course it bombed – most moviegoers thought it was a movie about an accountant from South Dakota.
Weight watchers: I don’t know why anyone cares about seeing The Hunger Games when we all know Angelina Jolie won.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz