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The hottest topics for the week of September 2, 2012 …
Operation shut down: Nationals pitcher Steven Strasburg is getting very close to being shut down for the rest of the season. The team wants to limit the possibility of him reinjuring his elbow and the possibility of the team making the World Series.
First to be worst: The Houston Astros were the first team to officially be eliminated from the playoffs this week. Cheer up, Astros fans. There’s always next decade.
Teenage dream: The Texas Rangers’ Jurickson Profar homered in his first at bat. Since he’s just a teenager, he wasn’t allowed to celebrate with alcohol, but he did get to skip his chores for the week and watch an extra hour of TV.
A’s and Bs: Oakland infielder Brandon Inge has to get season-ending shoulder surgery. But, don’t worry, A’s fans, the team still has Brandon Hicks, Brandon Moss and Brandon McCarthy to take care of all Brandon-related functions.
Loose change: The Dodgers were unable to acquire any more players with giant contracts at the trade deadline, so instead they just burned $5 million cash in the outfield as part of Friday night’s fireworks show.
Wahoo! August was the worst month in the history of the Cleveland Indians – of course, in Cleveland, every month is the worst month.
Moneyballin’: Nice going, everyone! The Oakland A’s had a nice nine-game winning streak – which everyone noticed, thereby jinxing it and leading to a loss to the Angels … and leading to this bitter “joke” by contributor Zach.
STF U: College Football is here! Time to renew those arbitrary allegiances to schools none of us went to!
The real ARod: Andy Roddick announced that he is going to retire … from tennis or something. His fan was very disappointed.
Dead wrong: A terrible rumor was going around last week that Eddie Murphy had died. People, there’s a big difference between someone dying and someone’s career dying.
The Twilight sad: Shocking emotional reactions, such as “…” and “—” and even “hmm,” coming in from actress Kristen Stewart as news of her parents’ divorce goes public.
Walk of shame: Reality TV star Kim Kardashian has recently said she wants a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. In a way it would be fitting because she’s so famous and also because she’s dirty, beneath most of us and occasionally gets urinated on.
More Kardashian: This would actually be a slam dunk if the Academy hadn’t snubbed her for her nuanced breakout film performance opposite (and underneath) Ray J.
Outbreak: MTV cancelled their popular show “The Jersey Shore” – forcing its stars to move on to other projects. Just when we thought we had the virus contained!
More Jersey Shore: They’re planning a spinoff that takes place on a fishing boat called “Deadliest Crotch.”
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar, Glen Hentz