The hottest topics for the week of April 29, 2012 …
His and herpes: Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun slugged three home runs in one game against the Padres. Surprisingly, he did this at pitcher-friendly PETCO Park, but Braun of all people knows these outbreaks can come out of nowhere.
Dude, you’re getting a Delmon: Tigers outfielder Delmon Young was suspended after being charged with a hate crime in New York. I don’t get it. How can it be a crime to hate crime in New York?
Black jack, no take backs: In the offseason, the Yankees traded their top prospect Jesus Montero to Seattle for young pitcher Michael Pineda who is done for the year with shoulder surgery. This is what happens when you let Jesus out of your life.
Move over: The Tigers released third baseman Brandon Inge this week. He was no longer needed after Miguel Cabrera moved from first base to third base – though he didn’t so much “move” as he “relocated.”
Old timer: Chipper Jones hit a home run on his 40th birthday … So, that new hip is working out great.
Lefty loosey, righty tighty: Using his phone for research, Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine filled out a lineup card thinking that the opposing pitcher pitched with his off hand. Maybe time to upgrade that Motorola Razr.
Rocky Mountain high: The Colorado Rockies beat the New York Mets by the score of 18-9 last week, so I can only assume the Red Sox pitched for both sides.
(Not so) big deal: David Wright became the Mets’ all-time RBI leader, surpassing … I have no idea … Mike Piazza? Darryl Strawberry? Really, it’s Darryl? Boy, that’s not much of an accomplishment at all. I haven’t seen the bar set this low since that last joke.
Rajon against the machine: Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo was suspended for a game after he bumped a referee. First he claimed that he tripped into the ref, but after that was rejected he explained that he was just dry humping him.
New York fire dept: A frustrated Amare Stoudemire punched the glass casing of a fire extinguisher minutes after the Knicks’ loss to the Miami Heat. In his defense, it did say, “Break glass in case of your team getting a beat down.”
Out of place: Strangely, Kim Kardashian was at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. She’s not really the type of person you’d expect there, but her name does “correspond” to being a fame whore.
More fame whore: Lindsay Lohan was also in attendance, but everyone just figured she was Barbara Bush.
Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Zach Pennington, Stephen Arenholtz, Sepp Thor