Contributors: Eliza Bayne, Jon Sender, Zach Pennington, Atman Thakrar
The hottest topics for the week of April 7, 2013 …
I’m back from shooting my film, so let’s do some jokes!
If a tree falls: Is the World Baseball Classic still going?
Walkabout: Cleveland manager Terry Francona said he got lost Monday making the two-block walk from his apartment to the ballpark. Indian fans have expressed concern regarding Terry Francona drinking too much firewater and his peyote-induced spiritual journeys. This reporter thinks he’ll fit right in.
Lackluster performance: An MRI revealed no tear in John Lackey’s injured right biceps. The pitcher did not appreciate his doctor giving him the news with “Your arm is … Lackeying … an injury.”
More Lackey: Red Sox manager John Farrell says that “Lackey is unlikely to make his next start” – a phrase Farrell was taught when he was first hired.
Junk balls: Josh Hamilton denies making an obscene gesture to the crowd booing him at Rangers Ballpark, citing that his cup needed adjusting for five straight minutes. It gets humid there!
Brew crew boo boo: Not content to simply lose this year, the Milwaukee Brewers signed veteran right-hander Kyle Lohse to a multi-year deal. That’s commitment to years of Lohse-ing.
Oh Captain, my Captain: The Yankees’ Derek Jeter started the year on the DL. That’s not code for anything, it’s the Disabled List, you perverts.
Chicago hope: Cubs team chairman Tom Ricketts said they are “100 percent committed” to their renovation project. This news coming after their renovation project claimed Ricketts didn’t love it anymore and was going to leave him for another chairman.
Lady die: Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away at age 87. But the real shock for many was finding out she was still alive.
More Thatcher: Thatcher? I don’t even know her!
Kimpossible: I’m just glad the song “I Hit It First” is by Ray J and not by Chris Brown.
Black and white: Country musician Brad Paisley and rapper LL Cool J teamed up to perform a song titled “Accidental Racist” – finally completing Mr. Cool J’s artistic vitiligo.